I had the privilege today of sitting in a meeting with a bunch of brilliant people and having an intense discussion. The conclusion of the meeting was we have to "wait and see"and "wait for growth". That made me cringe a little, not because I disagree with this conclusion but because I know how hard it is to wait.

I have been waiting. The problem is I don't really know what I am waiting on and how long I will have to continue to wait. In March it will be a year since I fell in love with Uganda. Almost a year since I have met Marvin and Hellen. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about how awesome it would be to be in Uganda. I pray. I wait for answers. I pray more. And I wait. It's not comfortable. I like to be in control. I like to know answers. Am I going to move to Uganda some day? Where will I serve? Is there anyway these two children I love so much could ever be mine? What would have to happen for any of this to be possible? I guess I do know what I'm waiting on, the Lord's timing and guidance. But for right now, Im waiting to see.

I'm discouraged. I'm questioning a lot. And I have found out that I am much more of a crier than I ever thought I was. I cry at the slightest thing that reminds me of Uganda. I burst into tears in church recently because we sang that song "10,000 reasons" and it took me back to Uganda when I was sitting outside with some kids at the orphanage and listening to them sing that song. Marvin was sitting in my lap. Hellen was sitting next to me and it was just a beautiful few minutes of listening to them sing this song with their precious accents.

It's so easy to doubt in a time when you feel like you have no direction. I read truths in scripture that say things like "He will answer", "He has plans to bring you hope and a future", "He has plans to prosper". I read these verses and I wonder when I get to EXPERIENCE this. But, for now I trust (often not well) and wait. And it's in this waiting time, that I am learning so much about myself and Him. So, there is purpose.

I am not patient. He is. I need more of His patience.

I am quick to anger. He is slow to anger. I need more of His temperament.

I am not forgiving. He is. I need to learn to be merciful as He is merciful.

I think being transformed by the gospel starts by admitting how much we need it! And that's what I have learned this past year!

A few years ago on a mission trip to Nicaragua, a pastor told me a story that has always stuck with me. I somehow got into a deep discussion with a guy about the goodness of God. I was in over my head and asked this pastor and another man to come take over. The guy I was talking to had lived a hard life. He had been in a wreck that was not his fault, was injured and underwent an extensive surgery. His surgical repair site became infected and he ended up losing his leg as a result. They had tried to fit him for a prostheses in Nicaragua, but it did not fit accurately. So, every time he took a step he was in pain. He was saying after all of that it was hard for him to believe that God is good. I get that. Sometimes I don't know how to act when theology meets the real world like that.

Later on, I had a long discussion with the pastor who talked with this guy. And I confessed that I didn't really know what to say to this guy. It would be really hard to live in chronic pain like he does. Pastor Randy looked at me and said, "Courtney, it would be so nice for us to be able to pray for God to take away pain. Did you know that there is actually a medical condition that exists where people have no physical pain? We think that sounds nice. But what would happen if a person could feel no pain and they were to walk down these streets with their bare feet? Their feet would be cut by the glass and rocks, but they wouldn't even know. In other words, there is a reason why we are able to feel pain. And it isn't because God wants us to be in pain, its because he loves us and wants to protect us. So there is purpose in feeling pain ."

That always stuck with me. And in this season, I remember it even more. There is purpose in waiting. It's hard, but He has me right where He wants me. And, Im growing in my relationship with Him as I cling to Him for direction.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to being a kid, when I knew very little about the troubles of the world.  I was telling my friend Amy the other night that I loved the word "safe". It has become my prayer in praying for people in Africa, my desire for a word to describe different relationships in my life, and a word that implies both freedom and protection. I want to be shielded from knowing terrible things that are happening in this world, protected from frustrating relationships, kept from any plans the enemy has to destroy peace. Bu He hasn't done that. My eyes have been more opened to a hurting world, relationships have been more burdensome than ever before, and the enemy continues to exploit my weaknesses. And today I sat down with a heavy heart from this past few weeks of events, and my eyes were opened to a different meaning of the word "safe".

I was sorting thru some books on my shelf and flipped open to J. I Packer's words.

God has a higher purpose for our struggles. This is what all the work of grace aims at-an even deeper knowledge of God, and even closer fellowship with Him. Grace is God drawing us sinners closer and closer to Him. How does God in grace prosecute this purpose? Not by shielding us from assault by the world, the flesh, and the devil, nor by protecting us from burdensome and frustrating circumstances, nor yet by shielding us from troubles created by our own temperament and psychology; but rather by exposing us to all these things, so as to overwhelm us with a sense of our own inadequacy, and to drive us to cling to Him more closely. This is the ultimate reason, from our standpoint, why God fills our lives with troubles and perplexities of one sort or another- it is to ensure that we shall learn to hold to Him fast.

Wow. All the events happening in my life remind me of my own insufficiency. But, the point of it all is to show me that He is sufficient. So and find myself drawn to His presence even more. AND,  THERE IS NO SAFER PLACE TO BE THAN IN THE PRESENCE OF GOD.  Instead of being "kept safe" from all these things, He exposes me to them and brings me into His presence where I find saftey.

When I flip thru scripture, I am reminded  over and over again that He is our hiding place, a refuge, a shield etc. I open my bible to Proverbs 29:25 "Whoever trusts in the Lord is SAFE". That is such a motivating invitation to trust.

There is a song that I have listened to many times in the past week. I had no idea why I could not get the song out of my head. Everytime I got in the car, I cranked my music up and sang this as loud as I could. The chorus is so powerful. The song is "Not For A Moment" by Meredith Andrews. As I was listening to this song again this morning, I realized why its been in my heart and mind lately. It speaks to why He is safe. He is constant. He is only good. He is sovereign. He never forsakes. He never witholds His presence from us. And, in His presence we are safe.