The more the reality sets in, the more excited I become. I love getting to talk about Uganda and it's been so wonderful to talk to people about what I will be doing. If I could sum up everything I have learned about who Christ is through His work in Uganda, I would use the word "rescuer". Everywhere I go lately the song "You Alone Can Rescue" by Matt Redman is playing. And when you understand that He has rescued you, you understand that He deserves the highest praise. I love Colossians 1: 13-14, For He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. I love that I have and I will witness first hand that He is rescuing orphans from the darkness and bringing them into light, love, and community.
So whats next? I leave for Uganda tomorrow. I am leading a team of 10 girls on a two week trip. I am always so excited to watch people fall in love with Uganda and fall more in love with the One who is at work there. Then, MJ will be flying over and we will meet our team members serving with Equip International. Then, MJ and I will meet with the staff of A Child's Voice (where we will be working). I can not wait for all of us to sit down together to pray and plan about what this next year may look like. There are so many things we want to do! I will also get to spend some time with my precious girl! I'm excited to look back at 2013 with her and reflect on how much God worked in her life. She is such an inspiration to me!
While I am in Uganda, many of you will receive a support packet from me. I have to raise/have pledged 3,500 dollars a month before I can leave to go over full time. I also have to sell my house which will go on the market on January 23rd when I get back.When my house sells, and my support is raised, and I complete the required trainings, I am free to leave. Only He knows when that will be, but we hope to by in Uganda by the end of May or beginning of June. Whenever I start to become discouraged about having to raise a large amount of money or selling my house, He always reminds me that He is able. I can look at my Uganda timeline where He has assured me all along the way that this is what I am supposed to do. When I start to tell myself that it doesn't make sense to quit my job, sell my things, and move to another country, I am reminded of all the times in the bible where God asks something of someone that doesn't make sense to us as humans. But from His perspective, this makes sense. There are orphans suffering terrible injustices and He wants His people to be aware. He wants to rescue them and bring them to light. And, sending people to do that makes sense. I question if I am the right person for that or if I can even emotionally handle learning about and witnessing more corruption. But even in that, He humbly reminds me that He has plans for many people in this.
I love writing. It's therapeutic to me. My prayer is that I can share stories on this blog of both the heartache and the victories that I see. I want to introduce you all to these women and children who have incredible stories because God put together a ministry to advocate for children and families. Just talking about all this gets me so excited!
I ask for prayer as I head back to Uganda. There have been unexpected tragedies occur on my last two trips and I always get a little nervous about what I may see or experience. And, I am trying to quickly recover from the flu! Pray for my team and that He would do amazing things in the lives of these girls and the people we minister to! I am also planning to go back and spend some time with Marvin's family after the team leaves. God used his short life to ignite this passion in me and I am so excited to be able to tell his family that I'm moving back to Uganda full time.
If you do not receive a support letter from me in the next few weeks and would like to contribute financially to my journey, I would LOVE that. I can add any of you to my mailing list when I get back, so that you will also receive newsletters and prayer requests while I'm there. You can mail a check to Equip, Inc P.O. Box 1126 Marion, NC 28752. You may also donate online by going to equipinternational.com and clicking on "Donations". Scroll to the bottom of that page and click "Donate Now" and fill in my name when asked what missionary you would like to support. I can receive donations at any time. Some of you have asked if you can donate before the end of 2013 and the answer is YES! I would LOVE that. The sooner I can raise support, the sooner I can leave!
Thank you for all your love, prayers, and support. Can't wait to write more when I am back from Uganda!
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Sunday, December 08, 2013
This story is not as much about me as it is about the One who is writing it. At Christmas we sing of "Emmanuel" (God with us). And it is because He has come and is with us, that we can say "YES" to following Him in whatever ways He chooses to use us.
This is the blog post I have dreamed of writing for a long time. For much of my life, I have had people tell me that they felt like I would end up in full time ministry one day. I never knew how to respond to that, but I also felt deep down that these people were right. I had no idea how that would happen or when that would happen, but this past year has confirmed that the time is now.
My church growing up hosted the African Children's Choir for a short period of time. My family opened our home to host 3 boys from Uganda. I loved spending time with these children and it created this desire for me to visit their country. I went to other countries in Africa and didn't really enjoy it to be honest. But still desiring to visit Uganda, I signed up for a short term trip 3 years ago that would spend a week in Uganda. From the second I landed, I loved it there.
Last November when I was in Uganda, I left with a burden and calling to be an advocate for orphans and vulnerable children there. If that sounds heroic or glamourous, I assure you it was not. My eyes were opened to the injustices children suffer there and my heart was broken to learn that many of the children that I loved were the recipients of this injustice. I learned of abuse, neglect, child trafficking, abandonment of children, and all the other horrible realities that children live in fear of and are experiencing there. I came home and began talking to people about what could be done to help these children. We were led to an organization called A Child's Voice. I was so grateful and thankful for an organization that already existed in Uganda and was fighting for orphans and to keep them out of institutions where most of these injustices were occurring.
Over the next few months, my passions grew stronger. I began to think that maybe God had more in store for me in Uganda on a more long term basis. I tried to talk myself out of it because it didn't make much sense. I had a great job, a house, the car I had always wanted to drive, and I was already going to Uganda every 6 months. I had the best of both worlds, in my opinion, so I concluded that every six months was enough. But, I continued to find myself asking God if he wanted more.
Last New Years Eve was a bad day. I was busy at work with a sick baby and trying to meet some deadlines, when I learned of some terrible things happening to the children I love. I spent a few minutes crying in the bathroom and tried to pull myself together to finish out my day. But, I couldn't contain my tears and I spent a lot of the day crying. I'm so thankful to have been working with coworkers who were understanding and helpful. But seeing my heart for what was going on, a coworker asked me when I was going to break down and move to Uganda. I replied that I was already in the process of breaking down (seeing that I had been crying most of the day) and that I would move there when I saw it written on a wall, flashing across a movie screen, or audibly heard the voice of God tell me to move there.
I had New Years Day off. It was a much needed day to sit down and really tackle my passions for what was going on in Uganda. I sat down on my sofa, opened my bible, and turned on some worship music. I asked God again if Uganda was where I was supposed to be. I knew and He knew that it was hard for me to function here when my heart was there. As I begin reading my bible, everything I read pointed to Uganda. I was playing music through my Apple TV when a worship song came on with the perfect lyrics. I looked up to see who sang the song and the word Uganda was scrolling across my TV screen followed by all the pictures of the people I loved there. The screensaver was somehow set to come on and scroll my Uganda pictures across my TV, but I never set that up to my knowledge. I remembered saying the day before that I would go to Uganda when it was scrolling across a screen and here it was.
The song that was playing was called "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)" by Hillsong. I encourage you all to listen to the lyrics of that song sometime as it has become my theme song during this process. I was so confident at the time that I was supposed to move to Uganda that I called every family member to tell them I was taking the next step. I had no idea what the next step was. I was even more encouraged when my family was understanding and supportive of this. I told a few other close friends that day who all just said, "We knew you would end up there one day."
I wish I could say the next steps were easy. They were not. As I prayed for direction, guidance, and wisdom for the perfect place to serve, I ran into many closed doors. I went back to Uganda at the end of May to lead a short term team. May 17th of this year was one of the worst days of my life. I got a call that morning that Marvin had died and I spent part of the day with his family as they prepared for his burial. At the end of that terrible day, I wondered why I even loved Uganda. I told God that everything about Uganda had been heartbreaking. At the end of the day, a deer came up and put his paw in my hand as I knelt down in front of the Nile River. That deer was like a reminder to me that He was present and the assurance that I needed to know He was at work in the midst of all these devastating situations. One of my best friends who came to Uganda with me, told me over the next few days that she felt certain that God was calling her to Uganda too. We began to dream of the possibility of serving together and now feel incredibly blessed that our dreams have become our reality.
I came back from my May trip a mess. It was so hard to try and jump back into life, especially my job. After time, I began to doubt my calling to serve in Uganda. I began to believe that my intentions for going must be self seeking or that I was going to escape some situation here and that it why doors continued to close. Im thankful for a wonderful counselor and friends who continued to remind me of truth during these months. They all encouraged me to keep going and reminded me that closed doors do not mean God is a confusing God who withholds good from us.
I read a book during this time that God used to speak so much truth into my life. The book is called You're Made for a God- Sized Dream" by Holley Gerth. I think I underlined most of the book. I want to tell you all about this book, but I think everyone should just read it. Holley helped me realize that working with orphans in Uganda was my God sized dream and this is what I'm called to do. The end result will be a deepening relationship with the One who gave me this dream. Another awesome thing God did during this time, was connect me to Holley through a Ugandan teammate! It was neat to be able to share this dream with someone whose wisdom was such a defining part of this journey.
After nine months of waiting, the opportunity to work with A Child's Voice came very unexpectedly. I knew from my previous experience with them how incredible their organization was. I had no idea they would ever consider expanding their team! I am so humbled to get to be a part of an organization that is dedicated to keeping children out of institutions and who recognizes the need for children to have a family. MJ and I will primarily work in places where children are most at risk for being trafficked or abandoned. We will help equip women to care for their children and to become self sustainable. We will also work to provide any emergent medical needs that come up.
There are SO many details I am leaving out. The Lord has confirmed over and over that Uganda is where I am supposed to be. For example, I received a canvas in the mail one day with a picture of children from Uganda with the lyrics to "Ocean" by Hillsong in the mail one day. I have countless stories of affirmation that I have received. So very soon, I will start raising support. We will be going through a sending agency called Equip International who will also train us in providing medical care in third world countries. I will learn how to assess, diagnose, treat, deliver babies, suture lacerations etc in areas where minimal supplies exist. I am excited to receive this training!
I am so humbled and thankful for this journey. "He rules the world with truth and grace, and makes the nations prove the glories of His righteousness and wonders of His love." Thankful for a season to celebrate that He comes to us and shows us the wonders of His love.
This is the blog post I have dreamed of writing for a long time. For much of my life, I have had people tell me that they felt like I would end up in full time ministry one day. I never knew how to respond to that, but I also felt deep down that these people were right. I had no idea how that would happen or when that would happen, but this past year has confirmed that the time is now.
My church growing up hosted the African Children's Choir for a short period of time. My family opened our home to host 3 boys from Uganda. I loved spending time with these children and it created this desire for me to visit their country. I went to other countries in Africa and didn't really enjoy it to be honest. But still desiring to visit Uganda, I signed up for a short term trip 3 years ago that would spend a week in Uganda. From the second I landed, I loved it there.
Last November when I was in Uganda, I left with a burden and calling to be an advocate for orphans and vulnerable children there. If that sounds heroic or glamourous, I assure you it was not. My eyes were opened to the injustices children suffer there and my heart was broken to learn that many of the children that I loved were the recipients of this injustice. I learned of abuse, neglect, child trafficking, abandonment of children, and all the other horrible realities that children live in fear of and are experiencing there. I came home and began talking to people about what could be done to help these children. We were led to an organization called A Child's Voice. I was so grateful and thankful for an organization that already existed in Uganda and was fighting for orphans and to keep them out of institutions where most of these injustices were occurring.
Over the next few months, my passions grew stronger. I began to think that maybe God had more in store for me in Uganda on a more long term basis. I tried to talk myself out of it because it didn't make much sense. I had a great job, a house, the car I had always wanted to drive, and I was already going to Uganda every 6 months. I had the best of both worlds, in my opinion, so I concluded that every six months was enough. But, I continued to find myself asking God if he wanted more.
Last New Years Eve was a bad day. I was busy at work with a sick baby and trying to meet some deadlines, when I learned of some terrible things happening to the children I love. I spent a few minutes crying in the bathroom and tried to pull myself together to finish out my day. But, I couldn't contain my tears and I spent a lot of the day crying. I'm so thankful to have been working with coworkers who were understanding and helpful. But seeing my heart for what was going on, a coworker asked me when I was going to break down and move to Uganda. I replied that I was already in the process of breaking down (seeing that I had been crying most of the day) and that I would move there when I saw it written on a wall, flashing across a movie screen, or audibly heard the voice of God tell me to move there.
I had New Years Day off. It was a much needed day to sit down and really tackle my passions for what was going on in Uganda. I sat down on my sofa, opened my bible, and turned on some worship music. I asked God again if Uganda was where I was supposed to be. I knew and He knew that it was hard for me to function here when my heart was there. As I begin reading my bible, everything I read pointed to Uganda. I was playing music through my Apple TV when a worship song came on with the perfect lyrics. I looked up to see who sang the song and the word Uganda was scrolling across my TV screen followed by all the pictures of the people I loved there. The screensaver was somehow set to come on and scroll my Uganda pictures across my TV, but I never set that up to my knowledge. I remembered saying the day before that I would go to Uganda when it was scrolling across a screen and here it was.
The song that was playing was called "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)" by Hillsong. I encourage you all to listen to the lyrics of that song sometime as it has become my theme song during this process. I was so confident at the time that I was supposed to move to Uganda that I called every family member to tell them I was taking the next step. I had no idea what the next step was. I was even more encouraged when my family was understanding and supportive of this. I told a few other close friends that day who all just said, "We knew you would end up there one day."
I wish I could say the next steps were easy. They were not. As I prayed for direction, guidance, and wisdom for the perfect place to serve, I ran into many closed doors. I went back to Uganda at the end of May to lead a short term team. May 17th of this year was one of the worst days of my life. I got a call that morning that Marvin had died and I spent part of the day with his family as they prepared for his burial. At the end of that terrible day, I wondered why I even loved Uganda. I told God that everything about Uganda had been heartbreaking. At the end of the day, a deer came up and put his paw in my hand as I knelt down in front of the Nile River. That deer was like a reminder to me that He was present and the assurance that I needed to know He was at work in the midst of all these devastating situations. One of my best friends who came to Uganda with me, told me over the next few days that she felt certain that God was calling her to Uganda too. We began to dream of the possibility of serving together and now feel incredibly blessed that our dreams have become our reality.
I came back from my May trip a mess. It was so hard to try and jump back into life, especially my job. After time, I began to doubt my calling to serve in Uganda. I began to believe that my intentions for going must be self seeking or that I was going to escape some situation here and that it why doors continued to close. Im thankful for a wonderful counselor and friends who continued to remind me of truth during these months. They all encouraged me to keep going and reminded me that closed doors do not mean God is a confusing God who withholds good from us.
I read a book during this time that God used to speak so much truth into my life. The book is called You're Made for a God- Sized Dream" by Holley Gerth. I think I underlined most of the book. I want to tell you all about this book, but I think everyone should just read it. Holley helped me realize that working with orphans in Uganda was my God sized dream and this is what I'm called to do. The end result will be a deepening relationship with the One who gave me this dream. Another awesome thing God did during this time, was connect me to Holley through a Ugandan teammate! It was neat to be able to share this dream with someone whose wisdom was such a defining part of this journey.
After nine months of waiting, the opportunity to work with A Child's Voice came very unexpectedly. I knew from my previous experience with them how incredible their organization was. I had no idea they would ever consider expanding their team! I am so humbled to get to be a part of an organization that is dedicated to keeping children out of institutions and who recognizes the need for children to have a family. MJ and I will primarily work in places where children are most at risk for being trafficked or abandoned. We will help equip women to care for their children and to become self sustainable. We will also work to provide any emergent medical needs that come up.
There are SO many details I am leaving out. The Lord has confirmed over and over that Uganda is where I am supposed to be. For example, I received a canvas in the mail one day with a picture of children from Uganda with the lyrics to "Ocean" by Hillsong in the mail one day. I have countless stories of affirmation that I have received. So very soon, I will start raising support. We will be going through a sending agency called Equip International who will also train us in providing medical care in third world countries. I will learn how to assess, diagnose, treat, deliver babies, suture lacerations etc in areas where minimal supplies exist. I am excited to receive this training!
I am so humbled and thankful for this journey. "He rules the world with truth and grace, and makes the nations prove the glories of His righteousness and wonders of His love." Thankful for a season to celebrate that He comes to us and shows us the wonders of His love.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
There can be little that it is satisfying when you hurt so much. But, I have found satisfaction in knowing that I get to spend eternity in the presence of the One whose presence brings you peace.
It has been a little over two months since I stood over the hole in the ground that would later that day become Marvin's grave. I think back to that deer that came up to me at the end of the day and put his hoof in my hand, a promise from Him that I was going to be ok. With Jesus, we can be ok.
I came home and was convicted by how little I knew about Heaven. When you have someone you love there, you suddenly want to know all that you can about where they are and what they are doing. So I bought every book I knew that was written about Heaven and looked through the bible and studied what it says about Heaven. In a book called God is the Gospel, John Piper asks a question that I love. He says," Would you be happy in Heaven if Christ were not there?" If heaven is having all the people I love together, all the food I love to eat, all the things I love to do, and nothing bad ever happened then that sounds pretty good. But, I've learned that Heaven is so much more than that. Heaven is defined as, "a state of everlasting communion with God." What is so great about Heaven is that we get to spend eternity in the presence of Christ. And in His presence, "there is fullness of joy" (Psalm 16:11). I have never been so sad in my life, but I have also never felt the presence of the Lord in a way that I have these past two months and in all of the details of Marvin's death. It's not about reading a bunch of books to gain knowledge, but its about every part of you knowing that God is present. And that small, earthly dose of His presence that is enough to transform you on earth, is nothing compared to what we will get to experience for eternity.
I have a new understanding of what it means to have hope of heaven. That hope isn't in things of heaven, it's in the Person who presence makes Heaven the perfect place that it is. This morning I was reading and came across this quote from Piper, "Nothing fits a person to be more useful on earth than to be more ready for heaven. This is true because readiness for heaven means taking pleasure in beholding the Lord Jesus, and beholding the glory of the Lord means being changed into His likeness. Nothing would bless this world more than people who are more like Christ." Amen to that.
Last week, I sat in a funeral of another baby I loved. Exactly sixty days after I buried Marvin, it was time to say another goodbye. I didn't know how I was going to do it. His mother asked if I could speak at the funeral and as much as I wanted to, I didn't think I would even be able to get words out. I was tired of dealing with death. I was ready for my life to be back to "normal". And I have come to the conclusion that my life may never be "normal" again. He says. "Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted." And when He comes to comfort you because you are grieving, your life looks different afterwards.
Before the service, we gathered in the gym. There were tables set up displaying things that belonged to this baby and gifts that had been given to him. I was looking at these things and remembering some of these gifts the baby had loved. And then it hit me, there was a Gift so present in this funeral that was the greatest gift that this baby, Marvin, or any of us will ever receive. It is the gift of Jesus Himself. The pastor called all of us together and we prayed for the service and for the family. He told us that this would be a service of worship, that we are called to worship in hard times. And it was just that!
During the service, the pastor read a letter written to the baby from his mother. She said that every mom wants to put their child in a bubble so that nothing bad will ever happen to them and no one can ever hurt them. The reality of this broken world is that children will be hurt and bad things will happen. We can't protect them like Heaven can. But, we can live with hope of Heaven knowing that we get to spend eternity enjoying Him where there is fullness of joy.
What makes the gospel great is that it ends with eternity in the presence of God. I want to be in on that! Until then he has given us the gift of the Holy Spirit to comfort us and remind us that He is near. I'm thankful for that.
It has been a little over two months since I stood over the hole in the ground that would later that day become Marvin's grave. I think back to that deer that came up to me at the end of the day and put his hoof in my hand, a promise from Him that I was going to be ok. With Jesus, we can be ok.
I came home and was convicted by how little I knew about Heaven. When you have someone you love there, you suddenly want to know all that you can about where they are and what they are doing. So I bought every book I knew that was written about Heaven and looked through the bible and studied what it says about Heaven. In a book called God is the Gospel, John Piper asks a question that I love. He says," Would you be happy in Heaven if Christ were not there?" If heaven is having all the people I love together, all the food I love to eat, all the things I love to do, and nothing bad ever happened then that sounds pretty good. But, I've learned that Heaven is so much more than that. Heaven is defined as, "a state of everlasting communion with God." What is so great about Heaven is that we get to spend eternity in the presence of Christ. And in His presence, "there is fullness of joy" (Psalm 16:11). I have never been so sad in my life, but I have also never felt the presence of the Lord in a way that I have these past two months and in all of the details of Marvin's death. It's not about reading a bunch of books to gain knowledge, but its about every part of you knowing that God is present. And that small, earthly dose of His presence that is enough to transform you on earth, is nothing compared to what we will get to experience for eternity.
I have a new understanding of what it means to have hope of heaven. That hope isn't in things of heaven, it's in the Person who presence makes Heaven the perfect place that it is. This morning I was reading and came across this quote from Piper, "Nothing fits a person to be more useful on earth than to be more ready for heaven. This is true because readiness for heaven means taking pleasure in beholding the Lord Jesus, and beholding the glory of the Lord means being changed into His likeness. Nothing would bless this world more than people who are more like Christ." Amen to that.
Last week, I sat in a funeral of another baby I loved. Exactly sixty days after I buried Marvin, it was time to say another goodbye. I didn't know how I was going to do it. His mother asked if I could speak at the funeral and as much as I wanted to, I didn't think I would even be able to get words out. I was tired of dealing with death. I was ready for my life to be back to "normal". And I have come to the conclusion that my life may never be "normal" again. He says. "Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted." And when He comes to comfort you because you are grieving, your life looks different afterwards.
Before the service, we gathered in the gym. There were tables set up displaying things that belonged to this baby and gifts that had been given to him. I was looking at these things and remembering some of these gifts the baby had loved. And then it hit me, there was a Gift so present in this funeral that was the greatest gift that this baby, Marvin, or any of us will ever receive. It is the gift of Jesus Himself. The pastor called all of us together and we prayed for the service and for the family. He told us that this would be a service of worship, that we are called to worship in hard times. And it was just that!
During the service, the pastor read a letter written to the baby from his mother. She said that every mom wants to put their child in a bubble so that nothing bad will ever happen to them and no one can ever hurt them. The reality of this broken world is that children will be hurt and bad things will happen. We can't protect them like Heaven can. But, we can live with hope of Heaven knowing that we get to spend eternity enjoying Him where there is fullness of joy.
What makes the gospel great is that it ends with eternity in the presence of God. I want to be in on that! Until then he has given us the gift of the Holy Spirit to comfort us and remind us that He is near. I'm thankful for that.
Wednesday, June 05, 2013
Part 2
The next morning I wake up with this beautiful view of the Nile. A friend had texted me Psalm 18:33 He made my feet like the feet of a deer and set me secure on the heights. David wrote this Psalm after being RESCUED from his enemies. Little did I know, our team would see and talk about God as a rescuer for the remainder of the trip.
At breakfast we were all talking about how beautiful the Nile was and how significant it is in the bible. When I got back to my room, I read the story of Moses being placed in the Nile. To refresh you, Pharoah had ordered all Isrealite males to be thrown into the Nile at birth and drowned. Moses's mother hid him for 3 months and then decided to place him a in basket to float down the Nile. His sister, Miriam, hid and watched as Pharoah's daughter found Moses and decided to keep him. Then his sister Miriam asked Pharoah's daughter if she would like a Hebrew midwife to nurse the baby. So, Moses's mother is hired to nurse her own son who is now living in Egyptian royalty.
As I set there and thought about all of those details and how everything so perfectly worked out, I was reminded of the sovereingnty of God. He was in control of all of those details, because He was planning something big. Turns out later that God answers the Isrealite's prayers for freedom through Moses. And then my mind drifted back to Marvin and I realized that the same One who worked out all those details for Moses, worked out details for me, and Marvin's mother, and Hellen. Even though the outcome wasn't life for Marvin, I was assured that He was at work. I was suprising myself by the amount of peace and even contentment that I had one day later, and I knew it was God given.
Three days later (again His perfect timing), I was on stage with some teenage girls who were teaching me a dance to a song. The song was called "I am not forgotton", and as I danced with these girls I thought of that verse that says You have turned for me my mourning into dancing (Psalm 30:11). I am not able to discuss a lot on this blog due to the nature of orphan care, but believe me when I say that God allowed me to be a part of something so much bigger than myself. I got to see firsthand the miracles happen that I had been praying for since last year. And this happened as a result of being at Marvin's burial that day. So I got to see how God used Marvin's short life to bring freedom and healing to many. One of the people I got to talk to again and form a relationship with is Marvin's mother and that in itself was such a blessing.
Just like Moses's story, Marvin's death and life that came out of his death happened because we have a God whose thoughts and ways are so much better than we can imagine. There's so much peace that comes in seeing and trusting in the sovereignty of Christ. I don't want to give the impression that I am completely healed from what happened there. In fact, coming back to America and going back to work has been much harder than I thought. It will take time, but I look back at all that happened and I can just see His hand at work through it all. And, I have seen that He is, "able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or imagine, according to the power at work within us."
At breakfast we were all talking about how beautiful the Nile was and how significant it is in the bible. When I got back to my room, I read the story of Moses being placed in the Nile. To refresh you, Pharoah had ordered all Isrealite males to be thrown into the Nile at birth and drowned. Moses's mother hid him for 3 months and then decided to place him a in basket to float down the Nile. His sister, Miriam, hid and watched as Pharoah's daughter found Moses and decided to keep him. Then his sister Miriam asked Pharoah's daughter if she would like a Hebrew midwife to nurse the baby. So, Moses's mother is hired to nurse her own son who is now living in Egyptian royalty.
As I set there and thought about all of those details and how everything so perfectly worked out, I was reminded of the sovereingnty of God. He was in control of all of those details, because He was planning something big. Turns out later that God answers the Isrealite's prayers for freedom through Moses. And then my mind drifted back to Marvin and I realized that the same One who worked out all those details for Moses, worked out details for me, and Marvin's mother, and Hellen. Even though the outcome wasn't life for Marvin, I was assured that He was at work. I was suprising myself by the amount of peace and even contentment that I had one day later, and I knew it was God given.
Three days later (again His perfect timing), I was on stage with some teenage girls who were teaching me a dance to a song. The song was called "I am not forgotton", and as I danced with these girls I thought of that verse that says You have turned for me my mourning into dancing (Psalm 30:11). I am not able to discuss a lot on this blog due to the nature of orphan care, but believe me when I say that God allowed me to be a part of something so much bigger than myself. I got to see firsthand the miracles happen that I had been praying for since last year. And this happened as a result of being at Marvin's burial that day. So I got to see how God used Marvin's short life to bring freedom and healing to many. One of the people I got to talk to again and form a relationship with is Marvin's mother and that in itself was such a blessing.
Just like Moses's story, Marvin's death and life that came out of his death happened because we have a God whose thoughts and ways are so much better than we can imagine. There's so much peace that comes in seeing and trusting in the sovereignty of Christ. I don't want to give the impression that I am completely healed from what happened there. In fact, coming back to America and going back to work has been much harder than I thought. It will take time, but I look back at all that happened and I can just see His hand at work through it all. And, I have seen that He is, "able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or imagine, according to the power at work within us."
Tuesday, June 04, 2013
Part I
Many people have asked me how my trip was. That's a loaded question. It was really hard and really good. I love everything about Uganda, but there are two little kids that make me love it even more. Due to some turmoil that I can't talk about, I was not sure that I would get to see those kids. I have been praying for 6 months for a miracle to be able to see them. I have also had some sweet friends pray for this miracle for me. I packed my suitcase full of things for them and asked God for a miracle. I knew it would be hard to be so close and not be able to see them.
On May 17, 2013 I woke up early. Something in me told me to check my email. When I did, I had a message from a college student at the place where Marvin lives. The message said that Marvin had passed away a few hours before. I was in shock and thought it must have been a mistake because Marvin wasn't even sick. I called my friend Damalie in a complete panic early and told her about my email. She called the place where he lives for me and called me back a few minutes later to confirm that it was Marvin. She said she was going to go to the place where he lived to be with the pastor and his wife. I told her I was coming with her.
The student who wrote me the email gave me his phone number. I called him and asked him to please get Hellen on the phone and let me talk to her. A few minutes later my phone rang and when I answered Hellen said three dreaded words, "Marvin is dead". She asked if I was coming, and I told her I would be right there. I got my team to the place they were supposed to be. They could not have been more wonderful through all of it. Then I headed to the place where Marvin lived with my friends Becca, David, and Damalie. Damalie is one of my heroes in life. She kept telling me that, "God has you in Uganda for this purpose. He loves you enough to bring you here and let you be a part of this. He knew you needed to be here" She was right. As terrible as it was, I was so grateful that I was in Uganda and got to be a part of his burial and meet his family. I remember thanking God for including me and for letting me sit there with his family, as part of his family.
We went to the orphanage where Marvin lived and learned what happened. He was bitten by a dog in March. The dog barely even broke the skin, and the nurse who examined it thought it was just a scratch. There was no treatment available in his area anyways. In the beginning of May, he was sick and treated for malaria and got better. No one thought much of it. Then on May 16th, he got really sick, really fast. I will spare you all the details because, but he died quickly and unexpectedly. His cause of death was determined to be rabies.
In Uganda, you bury people on their land. So Marvin's family was preparing for the burial at his mother's home. I know you are wondering why he lived in an orphanage if he has a mother. The mother was not able to care and provide for them and lives in extreme poverty. By living at the orphanage, they were able to go to school and have basic needs met.
I rode on a boda boda (motorcycle) to this little shack where Marvin was from. Hellen came out to greet me. Even then, I was so thankful that He made a way for me to see her! It was so wonderful. She took me into their house where her mom was sitting. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but when I walked into the house Marvin's little body was laying there. I am praying for some kind of holy amnesia to forget that image. I was a little nervous at this point when I realized that I had no idea what his mother thought of me and if she even knew who I was. And I realized that there were a lot of people staring at me and wondering who this white person was and what I was doing there. I was thankful to have my friend Becca with me.
Marvin's mother could not have been more wonderful to me. She took my hand and started saying all these things in Lugandan that I did not understand. David translated for me and said she was saying "Thank you. I got to sit with her for a little while and then David prayed for us and we got out of the room where Marvin was. Later David would tell me that she was telling me thank you for loving Marvin and for taking care of him when she couldn't. She knew who I was because she had seen pictures that I had given Marvin and Hellen. I had always prayed for a way to meet his mother, now I have a relationship with her.
I went outside and spent some time with Hellen. We stood over the place where Marvin was going to be buried and I still couldn't believe it all.
As tragic and devastating as the whole situation was, being with his family and getting to be a part of everything brought so much closure. God knew how much I loved Marvin and that I needed to be there. I could see His hand in so many of the details of the timing and I'm so grateful that He orchestrated all the details to include me. And in a way completely different than I had anticipated, I got to see my two kids. The day ended and I found myself thanking Him over and over for allowing me to be there.
It was the day of rest for our team (again God's perfect timing) and we got to check into a beautiful hotel on the Nile River. At sunset, I was standing near the porch and this beautiful deer started walking towards me. I knelt down and this deer put his hoof in my hand. Instantly, I started recalling all the times in scripture where it talks about a deer. I think of the verse, The Lord God is my strength, and He will make my feet like hind's feet, and He will make me to walk upon mine high places. Habakkuk 3:19. I think about that book I love so much called "Hind's Feet on High Places." It's a wonderful story about overcoming sorrow, surrendering our own agendas and trusting that He is the Good Shepard. It's a story of how a believer is transformed from suffering to walking to the high places of joy and freedom and peace. If you haven't read the book, it's one of my favorites! And as I'm looking at this deer, I'm remembering all I have learned about the character of God from reading this book. And I'm reminded that He will give grace and strength and lead us to the High Places. And that is exactly what He has done. I'll write that part tomorrow.
On May 17, 2013 I woke up early. Something in me told me to check my email. When I did, I had a message from a college student at the place where Marvin lives. The message said that Marvin had passed away a few hours before. I was in shock and thought it must have been a mistake because Marvin wasn't even sick. I called my friend Damalie in a complete panic early and told her about my email. She called the place where he lives for me and called me back a few minutes later to confirm that it was Marvin. She said she was going to go to the place where he lived to be with the pastor and his wife. I told her I was coming with her.
The student who wrote me the email gave me his phone number. I called him and asked him to please get Hellen on the phone and let me talk to her. A few minutes later my phone rang and when I answered Hellen said three dreaded words, "Marvin is dead". She asked if I was coming, and I told her I would be right there. I got my team to the place they were supposed to be. They could not have been more wonderful through all of it. Then I headed to the place where Marvin lived with my friends Becca, David, and Damalie. Damalie is one of my heroes in life. She kept telling me that, "God has you in Uganda for this purpose. He loves you enough to bring you here and let you be a part of this. He knew you needed to be here" She was right. As terrible as it was, I was so grateful that I was in Uganda and got to be a part of his burial and meet his family. I remember thanking God for including me and for letting me sit there with his family, as part of his family.
We went to the orphanage where Marvin lived and learned what happened. He was bitten by a dog in March. The dog barely even broke the skin, and the nurse who examined it thought it was just a scratch. There was no treatment available in his area anyways. In the beginning of May, he was sick and treated for malaria and got better. No one thought much of it. Then on May 16th, he got really sick, really fast. I will spare you all the details because, but he died quickly and unexpectedly. His cause of death was determined to be rabies.
In Uganda, you bury people on their land. So Marvin's family was preparing for the burial at his mother's home. I know you are wondering why he lived in an orphanage if he has a mother. The mother was not able to care and provide for them and lives in extreme poverty. By living at the orphanage, they were able to go to school and have basic needs met.
I rode on a boda boda (motorcycle) to this little shack where Marvin was from. Hellen came out to greet me. Even then, I was so thankful that He made a way for me to see her! It was so wonderful. She took me into their house where her mom was sitting. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but when I walked into the house Marvin's little body was laying there. I am praying for some kind of holy amnesia to forget that image. I was a little nervous at this point when I realized that I had no idea what his mother thought of me and if she even knew who I was. And I realized that there were a lot of people staring at me and wondering who this white person was and what I was doing there. I was thankful to have my friend Becca with me.
Marvin's mother could not have been more wonderful to me. She took my hand and started saying all these things in Lugandan that I did not understand. David translated for me and said she was saying "Thank you. I got to sit with her for a little while and then David prayed for us and we got out of the room where Marvin was. Later David would tell me that she was telling me thank you for loving Marvin and for taking care of him when she couldn't. She knew who I was because she had seen pictures that I had given Marvin and Hellen. I had always prayed for a way to meet his mother, now I have a relationship with her.
I went outside and spent some time with Hellen. We stood over the place where Marvin was going to be buried and I still couldn't believe it all.
As tragic and devastating as the whole situation was, being with his family and getting to be a part of everything brought so much closure. God knew how much I loved Marvin and that I needed to be there. I could see His hand in so many of the details of the timing and I'm so grateful that He orchestrated all the details to include me. And in a way completely different than I had anticipated, I got to see my two kids. The day ended and I found myself thanking Him over and over for allowing me to be there.
It was the day of rest for our team (again God's perfect timing) and we got to check into a beautiful hotel on the Nile River. At sunset, I was standing near the porch and this beautiful deer started walking towards me. I knelt down and this deer put his hoof in my hand. Instantly, I started recalling all the times in scripture where it talks about a deer. I think of the verse, The Lord God is my strength, and He will make my feet like hind's feet, and He will make me to walk upon mine high places. Habakkuk 3:19. I think about that book I love so much called "Hind's Feet on High Places." It's a wonderful story about overcoming sorrow, surrendering our own agendas and trusting that He is the Good Shepard. It's a story of how a believer is transformed from suffering to walking to the high places of joy and freedom and peace. If you haven't read the book, it's one of my favorites! And as I'm looking at this deer, I'm remembering all I have learned about the character of God from reading this book. And I'm reminded that He will give grace and strength and lead us to the High Places. And that is exactly what He has done. I'll write that part tomorrow.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
I had the privilege today of sitting in a meeting with a bunch of brilliant people and having an intense discussion. The conclusion of the meeting was we have to "wait and see"and "wait for growth". That made me cringe a little, not because I disagree with this conclusion but because I know how hard it is to wait.
I have been waiting. The problem is I don't really know what I am waiting on and how long I will have to continue to wait. In March it will be a year since I fell in love with Uganda. Almost a year since I have met Marvin and Hellen. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about how awesome it would be to be in Uganda. I pray. I wait for answers. I pray more. And I wait. It's not comfortable. I like to be in control. I like to know answers. Am I going to move to Uganda some day? Where will I serve? Is there anyway these two children I love so much could ever be mine? What would have to happen for any of this to be possible? I guess I do know what I'm waiting on, the Lord's timing and guidance. But for right now, Im waiting to see.
I'm discouraged. I'm questioning a lot. And I have found out that I am much more of a crier than I ever thought I was. I cry at the slightest thing that reminds me of Uganda. I burst into tears in church recently because we sang that song "10,000 reasons" and it took me back to Uganda when I was sitting outside with some kids at the orphanage and listening to them sing that song. Marvin was sitting in my lap. Hellen was sitting next to me and it was just a beautiful few minutes of listening to them sing this song with their precious accents.
It's so easy to doubt in a time when you feel like you have no direction. I read truths in scripture that say things like "He will answer", "He has plans to bring you hope and a future", "He has plans to prosper". I read these verses and I wonder when I get to EXPERIENCE this. But, for now I trust (often not well) and wait. And it's in this waiting time, that I am learning so much about myself and Him. So, there is purpose.
I am not patient. He is. I need more of His patience.
I am quick to anger. He is slow to anger. I need more of His temperament.
I am not forgiving. He is. I need to learn to be merciful as He is merciful.
I think being transformed by the gospel starts by admitting how much we need it! And that's what I have learned this past year!
A few years ago on a mission trip to Nicaragua, a pastor told me a story that has always stuck with me. I somehow got into a deep discussion with a guy about the goodness of God. I was in over my head and asked this pastor and another man to come take over. The guy I was talking to had lived a hard life. He had been in a wreck that was not his fault, was injured and underwent an extensive surgery. His surgical repair site became infected and he ended up losing his leg as a result. They had tried to fit him for a prostheses in Nicaragua, but it did not fit accurately. So, every time he took a step he was in pain. He was saying after all of that it was hard for him to believe that God is good. I get that. Sometimes I don't know how to act when theology meets the real world like that.
Later on, I had a long discussion with the pastor who talked with this guy. And I confessed that I didn't really know what to say to this guy. It would be really hard to live in chronic pain like he does. Pastor Randy looked at me and said, "Courtney, it would be so nice for us to be able to pray for God to take away pain. Did you know that there is actually a medical condition that exists where people have no physical pain? We think that sounds nice. But what would happen if a person could feel no pain and they were to walk down these streets with their bare feet? Their feet would be cut by the glass and rocks, but they wouldn't even know. In other words, there is a reason why we are able to feel pain. And it isn't because God wants us to be in pain, its because he loves us and wants to protect us. So there is purpose in feeling pain ."
That always stuck with me. And in this season, I remember it even more. There is purpose in waiting. It's hard, but He has me right where He wants me. And, Im growing in my relationship with Him as I cling to Him for direction.
I have been waiting. The problem is I don't really know what I am waiting on and how long I will have to continue to wait. In March it will be a year since I fell in love with Uganda. Almost a year since I have met Marvin and Hellen. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about how awesome it would be to be in Uganda. I pray. I wait for answers. I pray more. And I wait. It's not comfortable. I like to be in control. I like to know answers. Am I going to move to Uganda some day? Where will I serve? Is there anyway these two children I love so much could ever be mine? What would have to happen for any of this to be possible? I guess I do know what I'm waiting on, the Lord's timing and guidance. But for right now, Im waiting to see.
I'm discouraged. I'm questioning a lot. And I have found out that I am much more of a crier than I ever thought I was. I cry at the slightest thing that reminds me of Uganda. I burst into tears in church recently because we sang that song "10,000 reasons" and it took me back to Uganda when I was sitting outside with some kids at the orphanage and listening to them sing that song. Marvin was sitting in my lap. Hellen was sitting next to me and it was just a beautiful few minutes of listening to them sing this song with their precious accents.
It's so easy to doubt in a time when you feel like you have no direction. I read truths in scripture that say things like "He will answer", "He has plans to bring you hope and a future", "He has plans to prosper". I read these verses and I wonder when I get to EXPERIENCE this. But, for now I trust (often not well) and wait. And it's in this waiting time, that I am learning so much about myself and Him. So, there is purpose.
I am not patient. He is. I need more of His patience.
I am quick to anger. He is slow to anger. I need more of His temperament.
I am not forgiving. He is. I need to learn to be merciful as He is merciful.
I think being transformed by the gospel starts by admitting how much we need it! And that's what I have learned this past year!
A few years ago on a mission trip to Nicaragua, a pastor told me a story that has always stuck with me. I somehow got into a deep discussion with a guy about the goodness of God. I was in over my head and asked this pastor and another man to come take over. The guy I was talking to had lived a hard life. He had been in a wreck that was not his fault, was injured and underwent an extensive surgery. His surgical repair site became infected and he ended up losing his leg as a result. They had tried to fit him for a prostheses in Nicaragua, but it did not fit accurately. So, every time he took a step he was in pain. He was saying after all of that it was hard for him to believe that God is good. I get that. Sometimes I don't know how to act when theology meets the real world like that.
Later on, I had a long discussion with the pastor who talked with this guy. And I confessed that I didn't really know what to say to this guy. It would be really hard to live in chronic pain like he does. Pastor Randy looked at me and said, "Courtney, it would be so nice for us to be able to pray for God to take away pain. Did you know that there is actually a medical condition that exists where people have no physical pain? We think that sounds nice. But what would happen if a person could feel no pain and they were to walk down these streets with their bare feet? Their feet would be cut by the glass and rocks, but they wouldn't even know. In other words, there is a reason why we are able to feel pain. And it isn't because God wants us to be in pain, its because he loves us and wants to protect us. So there is purpose in feeling pain ."
That always stuck with me. And in this season, I remember it even more. There is purpose in waiting. It's hard, but He has me right where He wants me. And, Im growing in my relationship with Him as I cling to Him for direction.
Saturday, February 02, 2013
Sometimes I wish I could go back to being a kid, when I knew very little about the troubles of the world. I was telling my friend Amy the other night that I loved the word "safe". It has become my prayer in praying for people in Africa, my desire for a word to describe different relationships in my life, and a word that implies both freedom and protection. I want to be shielded from knowing terrible things that are happening in this world, protected from frustrating relationships, kept from any plans the enemy has to destroy peace. Bu He hasn't done that. My eyes have been more opened to a hurting world, relationships have been more burdensome than ever before, and the enemy continues to exploit my weaknesses. And today I sat down with a heavy heart from this past few weeks of events, and my eyes were opened to a different meaning of the word "safe".
I was sorting thru some books on my shelf and flipped open to J. I Packer's words.
God has a higher purpose for our struggles. This is what all the work of grace aims at-an even deeper knowledge of God, and even closer fellowship with Him. Grace is God drawing us sinners closer and closer to Him. How does God in grace prosecute this purpose? Not by shielding us from assault by the world, the flesh, and the devil, nor by protecting us from burdensome and frustrating circumstances, nor yet by shielding us from troubles created by our own temperament and psychology; but rather by exposing us to all these things, so as to overwhelm us with a sense of our own inadequacy, and to drive us to cling to Him more closely. This is the ultimate reason, from our standpoint, why God fills our lives with troubles and perplexities of one sort or another- it is to ensure that we shall learn to hold to Him fast.
Wow. All the events happening in my life remind me of my own insufficiency. But, the point of it all is to show me that He is sufficient. So and find myself drawn to His presence even more. AND, THERE IS NO SAFER PLACE TO BE THAN IN THE PRESENCE OF GOD. Instead of being "kept safe" from all these things, He exposes me to them and brings me into His presence where I find saftey.
When I flip thru scripture, I am reminded over and over again that He is our hiding place, a refuge, a shield etc. I open my bible to Proverbs 29:25 "Whoever trusts in the Lord is SAFE". That is such a motivating invitation to trust.
There is a song that I have listened to many times in the past week. I had no idea why I could not get the song out of my head. Everytime I got in the car, I cranked my music up and sang this as loud as I could. The chorus is so powerful. The song is "Not For A Moment" by Meredith Andrews. As I was listening to this song again this morning, I realized why its been in my heart and mind lately. It speaks to why He is safe. He is constant. He is only good. He is sovereign. He never forsakes. He never witholds His presence from us. And, in His presence we are safe.
I was sorting thru some books on my shelf and flipped open to J. I Packer's words.
God has a higher purpose for our struggles. This is what all the work of grace aims at-an even deeper knowledge of God, and even closer fellowship with Him. Grace is God drawing us sinners closer and closer to Him. How does God in grace prosecute this purpose? Not by shielding us from assault by the world, the flesh, and the devil, nor by protecting us from burdensome and frustrating circumstances, nor yet by shielding us from troubles created by our own temperament and psychology; but rather by exposing us to all these things, so as to overwhelm us with a sense of our own inadequacy, and to drive us to cling to Him more closely. This is the ultimate reason, from our standpoint, why God fills our lives with troubles and perplexities of one sort or another- it is to ensure that we shall learn to hold to Him fast.
Wow. All the events happening in my life remind me of my own insufficiency. But, the point of it all is to show me that He is sufficient. So and find myself drawn to His presence even more. AND, THERE IS NO SAFER PLACE TO BE THAN IN THE PRESENCE OF GOD. Instead of being "kept safe" from all these things, He exposes me to them and brings me into His presence where I find saftey.
When I flip thru scripture, I am reminded over and over again that He is our hiding place, a refuge, a shield etc. I open my bible to Proverbs 29:25 "Whoever trusts in the Lord is SAFE". That is such a motivating invitation to trust.
There is a song that I have listened to many times in the past week. I had no idea why I could not get the song out of my head. Everytime I got in the car, I cranked my music up and sang this as loud as I could. The chorus is so powerful. The song is "Not For A Moment" by Meredith Andrews. As I was listening to this song again this morning, I realized why its been in my heart and mind lately. It speaks to why He is safe. He is constant. He is only good. He is sovereign. He never forsakes. He never witholds His presence from us. And, in His presence we are safe.
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