I've been struggling lately and I find it so therapeutic to sit down and write out what is circulating in my heart and mind. Like I said before, my last trip to Uganda was hard! Some of you know about the injustices we experienced there. I am not at liberty to discuss this all on a blog, but I will say that I'm still really struggling. I have said a lot of goodbyes in my life, but saying goodbye to Marvin and Hellen this time was the hardest goodbye I've ever had to say. I don't know what it feels like to love your own child, but I'm pretty sure it's something close to how I feel about them. I feel like they are my family and because I love them so much, I want to know at all times they are being taken care of and loved and are safe. When I am there and something happens to Marvin, the kids run and get me and I scoop him up and love on him until he is ok. One night he got scared in the dark and cried because he wanted me to hold is hand and walk with him. It warms my heart to know that my presence calms him down. I had no idea that a little 4 year old boy and an 11 year old girl could take up so much room in my heart! I also had no idea that leaving them would tear me up as much as it has.

Learning about certain injustices that orphans face made it so hard to leave. I want so badly to know that they are safe and taken care of and I can not confidently say that I know that. I want to be there everyday so I can make sure they're safe and loved. I've almost booked a flight over there a few times because I want to see them. A few weeks ago, I was having a really hard time and I emailed a friend in Uganda for advice on what to do. She wrote back and told me to "let go and let God fight for me. She told me to pray. She wrote in capital letters, "HE ALWAYS WINS."

I needed to hear that. Sometimes it feels like a copout to "just pray". I want to DO something. I want to go over there and make some things right. Praying feels like its not enough. I feel helpless and want to be more in control and there is nothing I can do right now but pray. And then I am convicted by my lack of faith. She is right, He always wins. And, He is so much more capable to fight injustices than I am. Who am I to think that I could do anything to better this situation? My pride crept in without me realizing it.

And then I'm reminded of who He is. I read through scripture and see that He loves orphans! He loves Marvin and Helen and reminds me that they are being taken care of by Someone who can comfort and love so much more than I can. All I can do is pray, but do I realize WHO I am praying to and WHAT He is capable of?! Do I pray in belief that He can do "immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine"? Do I understand that he hates injustices so much more than I do and He is also devastated by what is happening to orphans as a result of a fallen, broken world?

I'm still hurting by what I saw and there are good days and bad days. But,I'm learning so much about who God is. I have doubted at times and questioned a lot, but keep coming back to what my sweet friend says "let him fight this". And I know deep down, that He is.

Last night I find this book called Jesus today sitting on a coffee table. I thought to myself that I probably needed to end my day with a little scripture. Please look at what I opened to. I read that page and it was like this was written to me from Him. I could envision Him actually speaking this to me. I closed that book and thought to myself, " that right there is how I know that He is real. " He knows our hearts and He knows what we need. So I end my day in surrender to the One who fights for me and to the One who always wins.

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still" Exodus 14:14

I have had many people ask me to keep writing stories. I love sharing about Uganda and I have missed blogging. But I haven't written, because I struggle with what to write. Most people, myself included, would assume that when you go on a mission trip that everything is happy and joyful and you come back on this "high" for Jesus. That was not the case for me this time. I think the more you travel to third world countires, the more you see the injustices that occur in the daily lives of these children. The reality of that can be hard to deal with.

The Lord could not have put together a more wonderful group of people to experience Uganda with. This was, by far, the hardest trip I have ever been on and at the same time the most wonderful. The Lord has used this group of twenty something people to accomplish great things. We have been on an emotional roller together. I want to say thank you to my teammates for your hearts and for your encouragement.

Since I have come home, I continue to run into Romans 8:28. Of all verses to keep thinking about, I struggle the most with this one. It says, "In ALL THINGS God works for the good of those who love Him." That means ALL THINGS- oppression, injustice, poverty, disease, etc. As you are overwhelmed with all of those things, it leads you to questioning. Today, I decided to open up my online study bible and see what it had to say regarding this verse. It says, that in all things God works together with those who love Him to bring about what is good. Reading it that way, takes on a whole new meaning because He has done exactly this! My teammates can testify that He has been at work in us to bring about what is good!

Following reading the study notes in my bible, I read Ann Voskamp's blog entry. It was just what I needed to hear! I think about the children in Africa. There are very important things that I feel are withheld from them at times, but Jesus never withholds Himself from these kids. And, as I keep learning, He is enough. I pray for more of Jesus in the lives of these children that are on my heart and mind.

"And the good things in life are not health but holiness, not the riches of this world but relationship with God, not our plans but His presence — and He withholds no good thing from us because good things aren’t ever things.

He doesn’t withhold Jesus from us. 

And no matter where we are, we can always have as much of Jesus as we want.

We can always have as much of God as we want."