There can be little that it is satisfying when you hurt so much. But, I have found satisfaction in knowing that I get to spend eternity in the presence of the One whose presence brings you peace.

It has been a little over two months since I stood over the hole in the ground that would later that day become Marvin's grave. I think back to that deer that came up to me at the end of the day and put his hoof in my hand, a promise from Him that I was going to be ok. With Jesus, we can be ok.

I came home and was convicted by how little I knew about Heaven. When you have someone you love there, you suddenly want to know all that you can about where they are and what they are doing. So I bought every book I knew that was written about Heaven and looked through the bible and studied what it says about Heaven. In a book called God is the Gospel, John Piper asks a question that I love. He says," Would you be happy in Heaven if Christ were not there?" If heaven is having all the people I love together, all the food I love to eat, all the things I love to do, and nothing bad ever happened then that sounds pretty good. But, I've learned that Heaven is so much more than that. Heaven is defined as, "a state of everlasting communion with God." What is so great about Heaven is that we get to spend eternity in the presence of Christ. And in His presence, "there is fullness of joy" (Psalm 16:11).  I have never been so sad in my life, but I have also never felt the presence of the Lord in a way that I have these past two months and in all of the details of Marvin's death. It's not about reading a bunch of books to gain knowledge, but its about every part of you knowing that God is present. And that small, earthly dose of His presence that is enough to transform you on earth, is nothing compared to what we will get to experience for eternity.

 I have a new understanding of what it means to have hope of heaven. That hope isn't in things of heaven, it's in the Person who presence makes Heaven the perfect place that it is. This morning I was reading and came across this quote from Piper, "Nothing fits a person to be more useful on earth than to be more ready for heaven. This is true because readiness for heaven means taking pleasure in beholding the Lord Jesus, and beholding the glory of the Lord means being changed into His likeness. Nothing would bless this world more than people who are more like Christ." Amen to that.

Last week, I sat in a funeral of another baby I loved. Exactly sixty days after I buried Marvin, it was time to say another goodbye. I didn't know how I was going to do it. His mother asked if I could speak at the funeral and as much as I wanted to, I didn't think I would even be able to get words out. I was tired of dealing with death. I was ready for my life to be back to "normal". And I have come to the conclusion that my life may never be "normal" again. He says. "Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted." And when He comes to comfort you because you are grieving, your life looks different afterwards.

Before the service, we gathered in the gym. There were tables set up displaying things that belonged to this baby and gifts that had been given to him. I was looking at these things and remembering some of these gifts the baby had loved. And then it hit me, there was a Gift so present in this funeral that was the greatest gift that this baby, Marvin, or any of us will ever receive. It is the gift of Jesus Himself. The pastor called all of us together and we prayed for the service and for the family. He told us that this would be a service of worship, that we are called to worship in hard times. And it was just that!

During the service, the pastor read a letter written to the baby from his mother. She said that every mom wants to put their child in a bubble so that nothing bad will ever happen to them and no one can ever hurt them. The reality of this broken world is that children will be hurt and bad things will happen. We can't protect them like Heaven can. But, we can live with hope of Heaven knowing that we get to spend eternity enjoying Him where there is fullness of joy.

What makes the gospel great is that it ends with eternity in the presence of God. I want to be in on that! Until then he has given us the gift of the Holy Spirit to comfort us and remind us that He is near. I'm thankful for that.