a year later

It's the one year anniversary of the day I never wanted to have. I have thought about May 17th every day for the past year and remembered the terrible phone call informing me that the child I loved so much had died unexpectedly. I stood over the hole in the ground that would become his grave with his grieving sister and just asked "Why?". God, haven't I already been through enough heartbreak in Uganda? She has been through enough and now you take away the one thing that makes her feel safe at the orphanage? How can this ever be good? 

I have talked about the deer so many times. That picture is posted so many places to remind me of His nearness in my time of complete desperation. This deer approached me at the end of this day last year in front of the Nile river at sunset, and placed his hoof in my hand and his head in my chest. The deer was so gentle towards me and brought peace. I immediately recalled all the times in scripture where God uses a deer as a reference. The one that has stuck the most is Psalm 18:31-33, "For who is God, but the Lord? And who is a rock except our God?- the God who equipped me with strength and made my way blameless. He made my feet like the feet of a deer and set me secure on the heights."  I held on to the word "secure" as His promise that there was purpose in this.

Today, a year later, it still hurts. I miss him everyday, but I am ok. He has shown up and so lovingly assured me of His purpose. I can not share all of the details, but it is because of Marvin's life and  death that I am moving to Uganda to work in a ministry that I am so passionate about. Because of his life, I will now get to be a part of helping to bring freedom and healing to many children.  It is so humbling and has brought so much healing, to know that He used my brokenness to bring freedom to children immediately following Marvin's death. Then He gave me a role in a ministry where I get to do this full time. And now I realize that my whole life, He has been preparing me for this.

For years I have seen the numbers 6,1,7 on almost a daily basis. If you are around me a lot, I have probably pointed this out when I saw it or asked you what it meant. I always felt like it was a number from God, but I had no idea what it meant. During this past year, I have had some really low points in my walk with God begging Him to show up and allow me to agree with the psalmist that God is really for me. My church is going through Hebrews and so I opened my bible to Hebrews 6. Hebrews 6 :17 grabbed my attention because it talks the "unchangeable character of his purpose". I kept reading and came to Hebrews 6: 19, "We have this, as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul." The vision of Him as an anchor has stuck. I knew in that moment that He has given a gift, the gift of anchoring His love so deep into us that no matter what happens we know that He is for us and we are not shaken. It has brought so much peace as I move forward.

I thought that my new anchor theme and Hebrews 6: 17-19 was the answer to why I had seen this number so much. Everywhere I would go, I would see anchors. I still see the numbers 6,1,7 and anchors almost daily and it is a reminder that He is the sure and steadfast anchor of my soul. Then, God quickly provided funds and it came time to book our one way flights to Uganda. It was a stressful week because we looked at so many flights and they were much more expensive than we had budgeted for. We were connected with a travel agency that was helping us look for flights and asked them to look for the cheapest flights anytime after the first week in June. We told them we could be flexible with our dates. I should have seen this coming. They wrote us back and said the best day for us to fly to Uganda would be June 17th (6/17)! He has been telling me for years, even though I didn't know what it meant, that He knew the exact day that I would leave. He has been at work in my life for years in ways I have never known, until recently.

And then I think back to May 17th. I am reminded that without May 17th, there would be no June 17th date of a one way ticket to Uganda. The pain of losing Marvin is still there, but it is combined with a restored vision that He has been and will continue to be the Rock that sets us secure. And I pray that the love and hope of Christ are anchored so deeply in me, that in ALL circumstances I know He is for me.

The past few days have been busy as I make plans to complete my job here, close on my house, and plan how to spend as much time with friends and family as possible. It's so surreal that all of this is happening. My days are a little more hectic as I pack and plan for life in Africa, but I am filled with peace about moving. Yesterday, I read through my journal that I kept during the past year and a half and I was so encouraged to see how He has answered questions, given direction, and sovereignly orchestrated all the plans for me to move. I have shared this before, but I want to share it again. This is from my journal on Easter Sunday of 2012 when I had just returned from Uganda.

It's Easter Sunday. I'm sitting in church. All I can think about are those kids in Uganda. The pastor is talking about certainty. I am certain that I know Jesus. I am certain that He commands us to "go make disciples". I am uncertain what that leads to now. Am I supposed to go back to Uganda? Why can't I stop thinking about those kids?Why can't I sleep? Why does my home, my community, and even my church feel so unlike home? Why do I feel out of place in places that 2 weeks ago I felt secure and comfortable? Is this the reverse culture shock people talk about? I've never experienced this before and I've left the country many times. Will it all go away with time- once I go back to work and settle back into life?

Now the pastor is talking about Luke 24. These people see Jesus and they don't just head out to lunch and forget his sermon. They see Jesus and their lives are forever changed. They bank their lives on the single truth that JESUS IS ALIVE. Their lives are transformed. 

I have seen Jesus in Uganda in a way that I've never seen him before. I relate to these men. I can't forget how I've experienced Him- my life has been transformed. But what does remembering look like now? Jesus, I'm sure these men asked the same question, "What now?"

I got home from church and opened my bible to 2 Timothy 2:7. It says, "for the Lord will give you understanding in everything." I continued to write,

Through my searching and the empowering work of Christ, I will know the answer in time. I don't know how to function when I feel empty here, like something is missing. I want to live with purpose- His very life gives me that. But, I don't want to just go through the steps. Life here just doesn't seem right. I want to be fully alive. Jesus, guide me. I love your heart for orphans. I love your children in Uganda. Jesus show me how your love for these children and my heart for orphans works together.

I am reminded of all the times where I asked for guidance and assurance that this was right. And over and over and over again, He has assured me that this is what I am supposed to do. He has given me understanding, as His word says, through all the devastation that has led me to where I am today. 

 In 3 months, He has provided 40,000 dollars. It has been incredible to watch. Thousands of dollars have come from people I have never met but who heard about me and felt God asking them to give. I am set to close on my house on May 9th. I have been connected to many people living in Kampala thru friends. I have developed new relationships with people that have been so incredibly supportive and encouraging and have cheered me on. My parents and family have been more supportive than I ever expected and God continues to amaze me as He takes care of them. Every detail has fallen into place and worked out perfectly so far and I'm left in awe of who He is.

I'm hoping to share more of my journal at some point. I knew for a long time that God was calling me to Uganda. Fear kept me from surrendering and moving forward for a while. But looking back now, I see how much freedom and blessing comes from surrendering our own agendas and plans. When we are brave enough to say "yes" to whatever He is asking, we gloriously exchange fear and anxiety for freedom and awe. 

The word "normal" is not in my vocabulary these days. Nothing about my life is normal or routine. I am doing things I have never done: raising support, selling my house, filling our forms for life in Uganda, and trying to plan when there is so much uncertainty in my life. People ask me everyday when I am leaving. The answer is when my support comes in and when my house sells. Those things are out of my control and remind me to believe great things from the One who is in control. I can get overwhelmed and discouraged at times, but I never doubt that this is right. 

On Sunday night, I had the opportunity to hear Christine Caine speak. She and her husband run one of the largest anti- trafficking ministries in the world. I am fascinated by her personal story as well as the stories of rescue she tells. Human trafficking was something I knew very little about, until visiting Uganda. I fell in love with children who were victims of trafficking. It was and is heartbreaking, and it got my attention. We are made to love, to bring justice, to be light to the world. In order to be light, we have to go to darkness. It exists everywhere. I turned on the news last week and a massage parlor in an affluent area of Nashville was being shut down for sex- trafficking. Bringing the hope of Christ to the oppressed makes an eternal difference.

Christine Caine reminded me on Sunday night that it is ok to look foolish. She spoke about Paul and Silas singing worship songs in shackles in prison, Sarah delivering a baby at an old age, Noah building an ark, Mary saying that she was a virgin when she was pregnant. These things looked foolish and yet God proved himself faithful. Paul and Silas were freed from jail, Sarah delivered a healthy baby, Noah's ark kept him safe when the storms came, and Mary delivered a baby whose life continues to give us life. My favorite quote from Christine Caine is, "Jesus didn't die to make us nice people. He died to make us dangerous to the kingdom of darkness."

We are the light of the world. Light is created to expel darkness. I want to change the world for the glory of God. We are each called and empowered by the Holy Spirit to bring light to places where darkness dwells. He showed me corruption in orphanages in Uganda and children being abused, neglected, and sold into slavery. There was and is purpose to all my heartbreak. He showed me a need for light. So, Im going. To the extent that these children experience pain, suffering, and injustice, I pray that they will experience  LOVE, HOPE, and FREEDOM in Christ. I'm ok with not being normal, if that means living with the hope Christ gives us as an enduring power.

Rest

Rest and reflection are beautiful things. God created the world and on the seventh day took time to rest and reflect on His creation. My trip back to Uganda was wonderful and I left even more assured that this move is right. I also returned overwhelmed by the thought of selling my house and raising my funds. I'm a first time home- seller and a first time fundraiser and the combination of the two can leave me feeling overwhelmed. I am reminded of the need for rest and convicted by my unwillingness to stop and reflect. I am reminded that rest and reflection are gifts. I have a quote in my journal, from an unknown person, that says, "God's rest is His merciful instruction to us." I love that! I have to sit down and rest and think about what He has done, just like He did in Genesis. When I do, I am reminded of who He is and the ways He is working to shed light on corruption and injustice. I get up with a peace that passes understanding and a passion for knowing Him more.

I was so excited to spend time with my girl in Uganda. One of the things we did was sit down and talk about the past year. It was a beautiful reminder of His sovereignty over our lives. It was a celebration of how He loves His people and rescues them from oppression. I was thankful for the opportunity to share  our story, with my teammates, of how God brought us together and worked in our lives in the midst of tragedy. It was a very personal and intimate way of sharing my passion for children to be in families and not institutions.

After my team left, MJ and I met with people we will be working with. Again, I was reminded by our future team leaders of the importance of rest and reflection. We met with the Ugandan director of A Child's Voice and again I was encouraged and amazed at her passion, her knowledge, and position of influence. God is working thru her to do amazing things and she is someone that I am humbled to be working with. We talked about plans and dreams for empowering women to raise their children and provide for them. One of the things the Ugandan director said was, "We are hoping that you can be the 'face' of our mission in the West as you work with us. We hope you can promote the aim of our ethos 'to promote family based care for all children who have someone that can care for them without the need for an orphanage' and always pioneer the drive that the orphanage is the LAST point of call for any child." I love that idea. If poverty is what is forcing children into orphanages, how can we as the church help support families and empower them to care and provide for their children?

 It breaks my heart to sit with a grieving mother who regrets ever sending her child to an orphanage. She thought she was doing a good thing to place her child in an orphanage where the child was promised an education and a bright future. Instead, her child was placed out in the fields and ordered to work without food, water, or pay while someone else was paid for that child's labor. Nothing will break a mother's heart more than to learn that her own child has been the recipient of this terrible injustice. I want to share those stories.  I want to share stories of mothers who are so thankful that God provided a way for them to keep their children. I want to share stories of children rescued from corruption and placed back into their families where they are now thriving. And, I am excited to see what He has in store when these stories are told. There's so much to tell and I'm praying I can be a storyteller. There is so much brokenness in the world, but we know the One who comes to mend that. And we see how He uses brokenness when we take time to rest and reflect.

There is a song that we listened to many times in Uganda called "Jesus, I am Resting, Resting." The chorus says, "Jesus, I am resting, resting in the Joy of what Thou art; I am finding out the greatness of Thy loving heart." I'm thankful for rest and time to process all that happened the past 3 weeks. Look forward to sharing more soon.

What's Next?

The more the reality sets in, the more excited I become. I love getting to talk about Uganda and it's been so wonderful to talk to people about what I will be doing. If I could sum up everything I have learned about who Christ is through His work in Uganda, I would use the word "rescuer". Everywhere I go lately the song "You Alone Can Rescue" by Matt Redman is playing. And when you understand that He has rescued you, you understand that He deserves the highest praise. I love Colossians 1: 13-14, For He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. I love that I have and I will witness first hand that He is rescuing orphans from the darkness and bringing them into light, love, and community.

So whats next? I leave for Uganda tomorrow. I am leading a team of 10 girls on a two week trip. I am always so excited to watch people fall in love with Uganda and fall more in love with the One who is at work there. Then, MJ will be flying over and we will meet our team members serving with Equip International. Then, MJ and I will meet with the staff of A Child's Voice (where we will be working). I can not wait for all of us to sit down together to pray and plan about what this next year may look like. There are so many things we want to do! I will also get to spend some time with my precious girl! I'm excited to look back at 2013 with her and reflect on how much God worked in her life. She is such an inspiration to me!

While I am in Uganda, many of you will receive a support packet from me. I have to raise/have pledged 3,500 dollars a month before I can leave to go over full time. I also have to sell my house which will go on the market on January 23rd when I get back.When my house sells, and my support is raised, and I complete the required trainings, I am free to leave. Only He knows when that will be, but we hope to by in Uganda by the end of May or beginning of June. Whenever I start to become discouraged about having to raise a large amount of money or selling my house, He always reminds me that He is able. I can look at my Uganda timeline where He has assured me all along the way that this is what I am supposed to do. When I start to tell myself that it doesn't make sense to quit my job, sell my things, and move to another country, I am reminded of all the times in the bible where God asks something of someone that doesn't make sense to us as humans. But from His perspective, this makes sense. There are orphans suffering terrible injustices and He wants His people to be aware. He wants to rescue them and bring them to light. And, sending people to do that makes sense. I question if I am the right person for that or if I can even emotionally handle learning about and witnessing more corruption. But even in that, He humbly reminds me that He has plans for many people in this.

I love writing. It's therapeutic to me. My prayer is that I can share stories on this blog of both the heartache and the victories that I see.  I want to introduce you all to these women and children who have incredible stories because God put together a ministry to advocate for children and families. Just talking about all this gets me so excited!

I ask for prayer as I head back to Uganda. There have been unexpected tragedies occur on my last two trips and I always get a little nervous about what I may see or experience. And, I am trying to quickly recover from the flu!  Pray for my team and that He would do amazing things in the lives of these girls and the people we minister to! I am also planning to go back and spend some time with Marvin's family after the team leaves. God used his short life to ignite this passion in me and I am so excited to be able to tell his family that I'm moving back to Uganda full time.

If you do not receive a support letter from me in the next few weeks and would like to contribute financially to my journey, I would LOVE that. I can add any of you to my mailing list when I get back, so that you will also receive newsletters and prayer requests while I'm there. You can mail a check to Equip, Inc  P.O. Box 1126 Marion, NC 28752. You may also donate online by going to equipinternational.com and clicking on "Donations". Scroll to the bottom of that page and click "Donate Now" and fill in my name when asked what missionary you would like to support. I can receive donations at any time. Some of you have asked if you can donate before the end of 2013 and the answer is YES! I would LOVE that. The sooner I can raise support, the sooner I can leave!

Thank you for all your love, prayers, and support. Can't wait to write more when I am back from Uganda!

This story is not as much about me as it is about the One who is writing it. At Christmas we sing of "Emmanuel" (God with us). And it is because He has come and is with us, that we can say "YES" to following Him in whatever ways He chooses to use us.

This is the blog post I have dreamed of writing for a long time. For much of my life, I have had people tell me that they felt like I would end up in full time ministry one day. I never knew how to respond to that, but I also felt deep down that these people were right. I had no idea how that would happen or when that would happen, but this past year has confirmed that the time is now.

My church growing up hosted the African Children's Choir for a short period of time. My family opened our home to host 3 boys from Uganda. I loved spending time with these children and it created this desire for me to visit their country. I went to other countries in Africa and didn't really enjoy it to be honest. But still desiring to visit Uganda, I signed up for a short term trip 3 years ago that would spend a week in Uganda. From the second I landed, I loved it there.

Last November when I was in Uganda, I left with a burden and calling to be an advocate for orphans and vulnerable children there. If that sounds heroic or glamourous, I assure you it was not. My eyes were opened to the injustices children suffer there and my heart was broken to learn that many of the children that I loved were the recipients of this injustice. I learned of abuse, neglect, child trafficking, abandonment of children, and all the other horrible realities that children live in fear of and are experiencing there. I came home and began talking to people about what could be done to help these children. We were led to an organization called A Child's Voice. I was so grateful and thankful for an organization that already existed in Uganda and was fighting for orphans and to keep them out of institutions where most of these injustices were occurring.

Over the next few months, my passions grew stronger. I began to think that maybe God had more in store for me in Uganda on a more long term basis. I tried to talk myself out of it because it didn't make much sense. I had a great job, a house, the car I had always wanted to drive, and I was already going to Uganda every 6 months. I had the best of both worlds, in my opinion, so I concluded that every six months was enough. But, I continued to find myself asking God if he wanted more.

Last New Years Eve was a bad day. I was busy at work with a sick baby and trying to meet some deadlines, when I learned of some terrible things happening to the children I love. I spent a few minutes crying in the bathroom and tried to pull myself together to finish out my day. But, I couldn't contain my tears and I spent a lot of the day crying. I'm so thankful to have been working with coworkers who were understanding and helpful. But seeing my heart for what was going on, a coworker asked me when I was going to break down and move to Uganda. I replied that I was already in the process of breaking down (seeing that I had been crying most of the day) and that I would move there when I saw it written on a wall, flashing across a movie screen, or audibly heard the voice of God tell me to move there.

I had New Years Day off. It was a much needed day to sit down and really tackle my passions for what was going on in Uganda. I sat down on my sofa, opened my bible, and turned on some worship music. I asked God again if Uganda was where I was supposed to be. I knew and He knew that it was hard for me to function here when my heart was there. As I begin reading my bible, everything I read pointed to Uganda. I was playing music through my Apple TV when a worship song came on with the perfect lyrics. I looked up to see who sang the song and the word Uganda was scrolling across my TV screen followed by all the pictures of the people I loved there. The screensaver was somehow set to come on and scroll my Uganda pictures across my TV, but I never set that up to my knowledge. I remembered saying the day before that I would go to Uganda when it was scrolling across a screen and here it was.

The song that was playing was called "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)" by Hillsong.  I encourage you all to listen to the lyrics of that song sometime as it has become my theme song during this process. I was so confident at the time that I was supposed to move to Uganda that I called every family member to tell them I was taking the next step. I had no idea what the next step was. I was even more encouraged when my family was understanding and supportive of this. I told a few other close friends that day who all just said, "We knew you would end up there one day."

I wish I could say the next steps were easy. They were not. As I prayed for direction, guidance, and wisdom for the perfect place to serve, I ran into many closed doors. I went back to Uganda at the end of May to lead a short term team. May 17th of this year was one of the worst days of my life. I got a call that morning that Marvin had died and I spent part of the day with his family as they prepared for his burial. At the end of that terrible day, I wondered why I even loved Uganda. I told God that everything about Uganda had been heartbreaking. At the end of the day, a deer came up and put his paw in my hand as I knelt down in front of the Nile River. That deer was like a  reminder to me that He was present and the assurance that I needed to know He was at work in the midst of all these devastating situations. One of my best friends who came to Uganda with me, told me over the next few days that she felt certain that God was calling her to Uganda too. We began to dream of the possibility of serving together and now feel incredibly blessed that our dreams have become our reality.

I came back from my May trip a mess. It was so hard to try and jump back into life, especially my job. After time, I began to doubt my calling to serve in Uganda. I began to believe that my intentions for going must be self seeking or that I was going to escape some situation here and that it why doors continued to close. Im thankful for a wonderful counselor and friends who continued to remind me of truth during these months. They all encouraged me to keep going and reminded me that closed doors do not mean God is a confusing God who withholds good from us.

I read a book during this time that God used to speak so much truth into my life. The book is called You're Made for a God- Sized Dream" by Holley Gerth. I think I underlined most of the book. I want to tell you all about this book, but I think everyone should just read it. Holley helped me realize that working with orphans in Uganda was my God sized dream and this is what I'm called to do. The end result will be a deepening relationship with the One who gave me this dream. Another awesome thing God did during this time, was connect me to Holley through a Ugandan teammate! It was neat to be able to share this dream with someone whose wisdom was such a defining part of this journey.


After nine months of waiting, the opportunity to work with A Child's Voice came very unexpectedly. I knew from my previous experience with them how incredible their organization was. I had no idea they would ever consider expanding their team! I am so humbled to get to be a part of an organization that is dedicated to keeping children out of institutions and who recognizes the need for children to have a family. MJ and I will primarily work in places where children are most at risk for being trafficked or abandoned. We will help equip women to care for their children and to become self sustainable. We will also work to provide any emergent medical needs that come up.

There are SO many details I am leaving out. The Lord has confirmed over and over that Uganda is where I am supposed to be. For example, I received a canvas in the mail one day with a picture of children from Uganda with the lyrics to "Ocean" by Hillsong in the mail one day. I have countless stories of affirmation that I have received. So very soon, I will start raising support. We will be going through a sending agency called Equip International who will also train us in providing medical care in third world countries. I will learn how to assess, diagnose, treat, deliver babies, suture lacerations etc in areas where minimal supplies exist. I am excited to receive this training!

I am so humbled and thankful for this journey. "He rules the world with truth and grace, and makes the nations prove the glories of His righteousness and wonders of His love." Thankful for a season to celebrate that He comes to us and shows us the wonders of His love.

There can be little that it is satisfying when you hurt so much. But, I have found satisfaction in knowing that I get to spend eternity in the presence of the One whose presence brings you peace.

It has been a little over two months since I stood over the hole in the ground that would later that day become Marvin's grave. I think back to that deer that came up to me at the end of the day and put his hoof in my hand, a promise from Him that I was going to be ok. With Jesus, we can be ok.

I came home and was convicted by how little I knew about Heaven. When you have someone you love there, you suddenly want to know all that you can about where they are and what they are doing. So I bought every book I knew that was written about Heaven and looked through the bible and studied what it says about Heaven. In a book called God is the Gospel, John Piper asks a question that I love. He says," Would you be happy in Heaven if Christ were not there?" If heaven is having all the people I love together, all the food I love to eat, all the things I love to do, and nothing bad ever happened then that sounds pretty good. But, I've learned that Heaven is so much more than that. Heaven is defined as, "a state of everlasting communion with God." What is so great about Heaven is that we get to spend eternity in the presence of Christ. And in His presence, "there is fullness of joy" (Psalm 16:11).  I have never been so sad in my life, but I have also never felt the presence of the Lord in a way that I have these past two months and in all of the details of Marvin's death. It's not about reading a bunch of books to gain knowledge, but its about every part of you knowing that God is present. And that small, earthly dose of His presence that is enough to transform you on earth, is nothing compared to what we will get to experience for eternity.

 I have a new understanding of what it means to have hope of heaven. That hope isn't in things of heaven, it's in the Person who presence makes Heaven the perfect place that it is. This morning I was reading and came across this quote from Piper, "Nothing fits a person to be more useful on earth than to be more ready for heaven. This is true because readiness for heaven means taking pleasure in beholding the Lord Jesus, and beholding the glory of the Lord means being changed into His likeness. Nothing would bless this world more than people who are more like Christ." Amen to that.

Last week, I sat in a funeral of another baby I loved. Exactly sixty days after I buried Marvin, it was time to say another goodbye. I didn't know how I was going to do it. His mother asked if I could speak at the funeral and as much as I wanted to, I didn't think I would even be able to get words out. I was tired of dealing with death. I was ready for my life to be back to "normal". And I have come to the conclusion that my life may never be "normal" again. He says. "Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted." And when He comes to comfort you because you are grieving, your life looks different afterwards.

Before the service, we gathered in the gym. There were tables set up displaying things that belonged to this baby and gifts that had been given to him. I was looking at these things and remembering some of these gifts the baby had loved. And then it hit me, there was a Gift so present in this funeral that was the greatest gift that this baby, Marvin, or any of us will ever receive. It is the gift of Jesus Himself. The pastor called all of us together and we prayed for the service and for the family. He told us that this would be a service of worship, that we are called to worship in hard times. And it was just that!

During the service, the pastor read a letter written to the baby from his mother. She said that every mom wants to put their child in a bubble so that nothing bad will ever happen to them and no one can ever hurt them. The reality of this broken world is that children will be hurt and bad things will happen. We can't protect them like Heaven can. But, we can live with hope of Heaven knowing that we get to spend eternity enjoying Him where there is fullness of joy.

What makes the gospel great is that it ends with eternity in the presence of God. I want to be in on that! Until then he has given us the gift of the Holy Spirit to comfort us and remind us that He is near. I'm thankful for that.

Part 2

The next morning I wake up with this beautiful view of the Nile. A friend had texted me Psalm 18:33 He made my feet like the feet of a deer and set me secure on the heights. David wrote this Psalm after being RESCUED from his enemies. Little did I know, our team would see and talk about God as a rescuer for the remainder of the trip.

At breakfast we were all talking about how beautiful the Nile was and how significant it is in the bible. When I got back to my room, I read the story of Moses being placed in the Nile. To refresh you, Pharoah had ordered all Isrealite males to be thrown into the Nile at birth and drowned. Moses's mother hid him for 3 months and then decided to place him a in basket to float down the Nile. His sister, Miriam, hid and watched as Pharoah's daughter found Moses and decided to keep him. Then his sister Miriam asked Pharoah's daughter if she would like a Hebrew midwife to nurse the baby. So, Moses's mother is hired to nurse her own son who is now living in Egyptian royalty.

As I set there and thought about all of those details and how everything so perfectly worked out, I was reminded of the sovereingnty of God. He was in control of all of those details, because He was planning something big. Turns out later that God answers the Isrealite's prayers for freedom through Moses. And then my mind drifted back to Marvin and I realized that the same One who worked out all those details for Moses, worked out details for me, and Marvin's mother, and Hellen. Even though the outcome wasn't life for Marvin, I was assured that He was at work. I was suprising myself by the amount of peace and even contentment that I had one day later, and I knew it was God given.

Three days later (again His perfect timing), I was on stage with some teenage girls who were teaching me a dance to a song. The song was called "I am not forgotton", and as I danced with these girls I thought of that verse that says You have turned for me my mourning into dancing (Psalm 30:11). I am not able to discuss a lot on this blog due to the nature of orphan care, but believe me when I say that God allowed me to be a part of something so much bigger than myself. I got to see firsthand the miracles happen that I had been praying for since last year. And this happened as a result of being at Marvin's burial that day. So I got to see how God used Marvin's short life to bring freedom and healing to many. One of the people I got to talk to again and form a relationship with is Marvin's mother and that in itself was such a blessing.

Just like Moses's story, Marvin's death and life that came out of his death happened because we have a God whose thoughts and ways are so much better than we can imagine. There's so much peace that comes in seeing and trusting in the sovereignty of Christ. I don't want to give the impression that I am completely healed from what happened there. In fact, coming back to America and going back to work has been much harder than I thought. It will take time, but I look back at all that happened and I can just see His hand at work through it all. And, I have seen that He is, "able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or imagine, according to the power at work within us."

Part I

Many people have asked me how my trip was.  That's a loaded question. It was really hard and really good. I love everything about Uganda, but there are two little kids that make me love it even more. Due to some turmoil that I can't talk about, I was not sure that I would get to see those kids. I have been praying for 6 months for a miracle to be able to see them. I have also had some sweet friends pray for this miracle for me. I packed my suitcase full of things for them and asked God for a miracle. I knew it would be hard to be so close and not be able to see them.

On May 17, 2013 I woke up early. Something in me told me to check my email. When I did, I had a message from a college student at the place where Marvin lives. The message said that Marvin had passed away a few hours before. I was in shock and thought it must have been a mistake because Marvin wasn't even sick. I called my friend Damalie in a complete panic early and told her about my email. She called the place where he lives for me and called me back a few minutes later to confirm that it was Marvin. She said she was going to go to the place where he lived to be with the pastor and his wife. I told her I was coming with her.

The student who wrote me the email gave me his phone number. I called him and asked him to please get Hellen on the phone and let me talk to her. A few minutes later my phone rang and when I answered Hellen said three dreaded words, "Marvin is dead". She asked if I was coming, and I told her I would be right there. I got my team to the place they were supposed to be. They could not have been more wonderful through all of it. Then I headed to the place where Marvin lived with my friends Becca, David, and Damalie. Damalie is one of my heroes in life. She kept telling me that, "God has you in Uganda for this purpose. He loves you enough to bring you here and let you be a part of this. He knew you needed to be here" She was right. As terrible as it was, I was so grateful that I was in Uganda and got to be a part of his burial and meet his family. I remember thanking God for including me and for letting me sit there with his family, as part of his family.

We went to the orphanage where Marvin lived and learned what happened. He was bitten by a dog in March. The dog barely even broke the skin, and the nurse who examined it thought it was just a scratch. There was no treatment available in his area anyways. In the beginning of May, he was sick and treated for malaria and got better. No one thought much of it. Then on May 16th, he got really sick, really fast. I will spare you all the details because, but he died quickly and unexpectedly. His cause of death was determined to be rabies.

In Uganda, you bury people on their land. So Marvin's family was preparing for the burial at his mother's home. I know you are wondering why he lived in an orphanage if he has a mother. The mother was not able to care and provide for them and lives in extreme poverty. By living at the orphanage, they were able to go to school and have basic needs met.

I rode on a boda boda (motorcycle) to this little shack where Marvin was from. Hellen came out to greet me. Even then, I was so thankful that He made a way for me to see her! It was so wonderful. She took me into their house where her mom was sitting. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but when I walked into the house Marvin's little body was laying there. I am praying for some kind of holy amnesia to forget that image. I was a little nervous at this point when I realized that I had no idea what his mother thought of me and if she even knew who I was. And I realized that there were a lot of people staring at me and wondering who this white person was and what I was doing there. I was thankful to have my friend Becca with me.

Marvin's mother could not have been more wonderful to me. She took my hand and started saying all these things in Lugandan that I did not understand. David translated for me and said she was saying "Thank you. I got to sit with her for a little while and then David prayed for us and we got out of the room where Marvin was. Later David would tell me that she was telling me thank you for loving Marvin and for taking care of him when she couldn't. She knew who I was because she had seen pictures that I had given Marvin and Hellen. I had always prayed for a way to meet his mother, now I have a relationship with her.

I went outside and spent some time with Hellen. We stood over the place where Marvin was going to be buried and I still couldn't believe it all.

As tragic and devastating as the whole situation was, being with his family and getting to be a part of everything brought so much closure. God knew how much I loved Marvin and that I needed to be there. I could see His hand in so many of the details of the timing and I'm so grateful that He orchestrated all the details to include me. And in a way completely different than I had anticipated, I got to see my two kids. The day ended and I found myself thanking Him over and over for allowing me to be there.

It was the day of rest for our team (again God's perfect timing) and we got to check into a beautiful hotel on the Nile River. At sunset, I was standing near the porch and this beautiful deer started walking towards me. I knelt down and this deer put his hoof in my hand. Instantly, I started recalling all the times in scripture where it talks about a deer. I think of the verse, The Lord God is my strength, and He will make my feet like hind's feet, and He will make me to walk upon mine high places. Habakkuk 3:19. I think about that book I love so much called "Hind's Feet on High Places." It's a wonderful story about overcoming sorrow, surrendering our own agendas and trusting that He is the Good Shepard. It's a story of how a believer is transformed from suffering to walking to the high places of joy and freedom and peace. If you haven't read the book, it's one of my favorites! And as I'm looking at this deer, I'm remembering all I have learned about the character of God from reading this book. And I'm reminded that He will give grace and strength and lead us to the High Places. And that is exactly what He has done. I'll write that part tomorrow.

I had the privilege today of sitting in a meeting with a bunch of brilliant people and having an intense discussion. The conclusion of the meeting was we have to "wait and see"and "wait for growth". That made me cringe a little, not because I disagree with this conclusion but because I know how hard it is to wait.

I have been waiting. The problem is I don't really know what I am waiting on and how long I will have to continue to wait. In March it will be a year since I fell in love with Uganda. Almost a year since I have met Marvin and Hellen. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about how awesome it would be to be in Uganda. I pray. I wait for answers. I pray more. And I wait. It's not comfortable. I like to be in control. I like to know answers. Am I going to move to Uganda some day? Where will I serve? Is there anyway these two children I love so much could ever be mine? What would have to happen for any of this to be possible? I guess I do know what I'm waiting on, the Lord's timing and guidance. But for right now, Im waiting to see.

I'm discouraged. I'm questioning a lot. And I have found out that I am much more of a crier than I ever thought I was. I cry at the slightest thing that reminds me of Uganda. I burst into tears in church recently because we sang that song "10,000 reasons" and it took me back to Uganda when I was sitting outside with some kids at the orphanage and listening to them sing that song. Marvin was sitting in my lap. Hellen was sitting next to me and it was just a beautiful few minutes of listening to them sing this song with their precious accents.

It's so easy to doubt in a time when you feel like you have no direction. I read truths in scripture that say things like "He will answer", "He has plans to bring you hope and a future", "He has plans to prosper". I read these verses and I wonder when I get to EXPERIENCE this. But, for now I trust (often not well) and wait. And it's in this waiting time, that I am learning so much about myself and Him. So, there is purpose.

I am not patient. He is. I need more of His patience.

I am quick to anger. He is slow to anger. I need more of His temperament.

I am not forgiving. He is. I need to learn to be merciful as He is merciful.

I think being transformed by the gospel starts by admitting how much we need it! And that's what I have learned this past year!

A few years ago on a mission trip to Nicaragua, a pastor told me a story that has always stuck with me. I somehow got into a deep discussion with a guy about the goodness of God. I was in over my head and asked this pastor and another man to come take over. The guy I was talking to had lived a hard life. He had been in a wreck that was not his fault, was injured and underwent an extensive surgery. His surgical repair site became infected and he ended up losing his leg as a result. They had tried to fit him for a prostheses in Nicaragua, but it did not fit accurately. So, every time he took a step he was in pain. He was saying after all of that it was hard for him to believe that God is good. I get that. Sometimes I don't know how to act when theology meets the real world like that.

Later on, I had a long discussion with the pastor who talked with this guy. And I confessed that I didn't really know what to say to this guy. It would be really hard to live in chronic pain like he does. Pastor Randy looked at me and said, "Courtney, it would be so nice for us to be able to pray for God to take away pain. Did you know that there is actually a medical condition that exists where people have no physical pain? We think that sounds nice. But what would happen if a person could feel no pain and they were to walk down these streets with their bare feet? Their feet would be cut by the glass and rocks, but they wouldn't even know. In other words, there is a reason why we are able to feel pain. And it isn't because God wants us to be in pain, its because he loves us and wants to protect us. So there is purpose in feeling pain ."

That always stuck with me. And in this season, I remember it even more. There is purpose in waiting. It's hard, but He has me right where He wants me. And, Im growing in my relationship with Him as I cling to Him for direction.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to being a kid, when I knew very little about the troubles of the world.  I was telling my friend Amy the other night that I loved the word "safe". It has become my prayer in praying for people in Africa, my desire for a word to describe different relationships in my life, and a word that implies both freedom and protection. I want to be shielded from knowing terrible things that are happening in this world, protected from frustrating relationships, kept from any plans the enemy has to destroy peace. Bu He hasn't done that. My eyes have been more opened to a hurting world, relationships have been more burdensome than ever before, and the enemy continues to exploit my weaknesses. And today I sat down with a heavy heart from this past few weeks of events, and my eyes were opened to a different meaning of the word "safe".

I was sorting thru some books on my shelf and flipped open to J. I Packer's words.

God has a higher purpose for our struggles. This is what all the work of grace aims at-an even deeper knowledge of God, and even closer fellowship with Him. Grace is God drawing us sinners closer and closer to Him. How does God in grace prosecute this purpose? Not by shielding us from assault by the world, the flesh, and the devil, nor by protecting us from burdensome and frustrating circumstances, nor yet by shielding us from troubles created by our own temperament and psychology; but rather by exposing us to all these things, so as to overwhelm us with a sense of our own inadequacy, and to drive us to cling to Him more closely. This is the ultimate reason, from our standpoint, why God fills our lives with troubles and perplexities of one sort or another- it is to ensure that we shall learn to hold to Him fast.

Wow. All the events happening in my life remind me of my own insufficiency. But, the point of it all is to show me that He is sufficient. So and find myself drawn to His presence even more. AND,  THERE IS NO SAFER PLACE TO BE THAN IN THE PRESENCE OF GOD.  Instead of being "kept safe" from all these things, He exposes me to them and brings me into His presence where I find saftey.

When I flip thru scripture, I am reminded  over and over again that He is our hiding place, a refuge, a shield etc. I open my bible to Proverbs 29:25 "Whoever trusts in the Lord is SAFE". That is such a motivating invitation to trust.

There is a song that I have listened to many times in the past week. I had no idea why I could not get the song out of my head. Everytime I got in the car, I cranked my music up and sang this as loud as I could. The chorus is so powerful. The song is "Not For A Moment" by Meredith Andrews. As I was listening to this song again this morning, I realized why its been in my heart and mind lately. It speaks to why He is safe. He is constant. He is only good. He is sovereign. He never forsakes. He never witholds His presence from us. And, in His presence we are safe.

I've been struggling lately and I find it so therapeutic to sit down and write out what is circulating in my heart and mind. Like I said before, my last trip to Uganda was hard! Some of you know about the injustices we experienced there. I am not at liberty to discuss this all on a blog, but I will say that I'm still really struggling. I have said a lot of goodbyes in my life, but saying goodbye to Marvin and Hellen this time was the hardest goodbye I've ever had to say. I don't know what it feels like to love your own child, but I'm pretty sure it's something close to how I feel about them. I feel like they are my family and because I love them so much, I want to know at all times they are being taken care of and loved and are safe. When I am there and something happens to Marvin, the kids run and get me and I scoop him up and love on him until he is ok. One night he got scared in the dark and cried because he wanted me to hold is hand and walk with him. It warms my heart to know that my presence calms him down. I had no idea that a little 4 year old boy and an 11 year old girl could take up so much room in my heart! I also had no idea that leaving them would tear me up as much as it has.

Learning about certain injustices that orphans face made it so hard to leave. I want so badly to know that they are safe and taken care of and I can not confidently say that I know that. I want to be there everyday so I can make sure they're safe and loved. I've almost booked a flight over there a few times because I want to see them. A few weeks ago, I was having a really hard time and I emailed a friend in Uganda for advice on what to do. She wrote back and told me to "let go and let God fight for me. She told me to pray. She wrote in capital letters, "HE ALWAYS WINS."

I needed to hear that. Sometimes it feels like a copout to "just pray". I want to DO something. I want to go over there and make some things right. Praying feels like its not enough. I feel helpless and want to be more in control and there is nothing I can do right now but pray. And then I am convicted by my lack of faith. She is right, He always wins. And, He is so much more capable to fight injustices than I am. Who am I to think that I could do anything to better this situation? My pride crept in without me realizing it.

And then I'm reminded of who He is. I read through scripture and see that He loves orphans! He loves Marvin and Helen and reminds me that they are being taken care of by Someone who can comfort and love so much more than I can. All I can do is pray, but do I realize WHO I am praying to and WHAT He is capable of?! Do I pray in belief that He can do "immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine"? Do I understand that he hates injustices so much more than I do and He is also devastated by what is happening to orphans as a result of a fallen, broken world?

I'm still hurting by what I saw and there are good days and bad days. But,I'm learning so much about who God is. I have doubted at times and questioned a lot, but keep coming back to what my sweet friend says "let him fight this". And I know deep down, that He is.

Last night I find this book called Jesus today sitting on a coffee table. I thought to myself that I probably needed to end my day with a little scripture. Please look at what I opened to. I read that page and it was like this was written to me from Him. I could envision Him actually speaking this to me. I closed that book and thought to myself, " that right there is how I know that He is real. " He knows our hearts and He knows what we need. So I end my day in surrender to the One who fights for me and to the One who always wins.

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still" Exodus 14:14

I have had many people ask me to keep writing stories. I love sharing about Uganda and I have missed blogging. But I haven't written, because I struggle with what to write. Most people, myself included, would assume that when you go on a mission trip that everything is happy and joyful and you come back on this "high" for Jesus. That was not the case for me this time. I think the more you travel to third world countires, the more you see the injustices that occur in the daily lives of these children. The reality of that can be hard to deal with.

The Lord could not have put together a more wonderful group of people to experience Uganda with. This was, by far, the hardest trip I have ever been on and at the same time the most wonderful. The Lord has used this group of twenty something people to accomplish great things. We have been on an emotional roller together. I want to say thank you to my teammates for your hearts and for your encouragement.

Since I have come home, I continue to run into Romans 8:28. Of all verses to keep thinking about, I struggle the most with this one. It says, "In ALL THINGS God works for the good of those who love Him." That means ALL THINGS- oppression, injustice, poverty, disease, etc. As you are overwhelmed with all of those things, it leads you to questioning. Today, I decided to open up my online study bible and see what it had to say regarding this verse. It says, that in all things God works together with those who love Him to bring about what is good. Reading it that way, takes on a whole new meaning because He has done exactly this! My teammates can testify that He has been at work in us to bring about what is good!

Following reading the study notes in my bible, I read Ann Voskamp's blog entry. It was just what I needed to hear! I think about the children in Africa. There are very important things that I feel are withheld from them at times, but Jesus never withholds Himself from these kids. And, as I keep learning, He is enough. I pray for more of Jesus in the lives of these children that are on my heart and mind.

"And the good things in life are not health but holiness, not the riches of this world but relationship with God, not our plans but His presence — and He withholds no good thing from us because good things aren’t ever things.

He doesn’t withhold Jesus from us. 

And no matter where we are, we can always have as much of Jesus as we want.

We can always have as much of God as we want."

It was the second full day of our trip. I was still a little jet lagged and wondering how I was going to make it thru the day. We arrived at Ekubo ministires and were asked to go and assess a 5 day old who had what they thought was an infected umbilical cord. This little baby, who was named Joseph, had been abdandoned by his mother on day of life 2. The people at Ekubo ministires took him in. We had no birth history and no information on the mother.

There were 2 of us on the team that were NICU nurses. We walked down the road to the Baby House and met Baby Joseph. My heart sank when I saw him. He was so scrawny and malnourished.  He was a dusky, pale color. His abdomen was distended and I could see loops of bowel. His eye was infected. His fontanel was sunken. He threw up every time he was fed. When I looked over his little body, I thought that he might not survive. 

We all agreed that he needed to be taken to the hospital. The free hospital or clinic did not do IV fluids. He was going to need IV fluids so he needed to be taken to a hospital further away near Kampala and his medical bill would have to be paid for him to be treated.

The NICU nurse in me starting thinking through what I would anticipate a baby this sick needing on admission. He would need an isolette, lots of bloodwork, IV fluids, xrays, antibiotics, a replogle and possibly some other kind of upper gi testing to determine why he was vomiting. I had no idea if stuff like that was available in Uganda. I assumed, after asking questions to local people there, that it was not.

They got Joseph ready to go to the hospital. Our team put our hands on this sweet baby and prayed that God would heal him. Without all the advancements of western medicine available to him, I worried while the others continued to pray. As they drove off in the van, I struggled. I felt so helpless. I knew what to do. I knew what he needed to survive, but we didnt have the resources and supplies he needed. I wished so bad that I could scoop him up and take him to the NICU where I work. I wasn't even able to go to the hospital with him so it was hard to watch them drive off.  Perhaps my knowledge of neonatal medicine caused me to doubt that Jesus alone was capable of healing. 

Joseph was admitted to the hospital and they were asked to pay 435 dollars for his admission. I watched as God provided that money. He stayed in the hospital less than a week and then came home when he was still not fully recovered.

 I saw this picture below of him this morning and it took me back to that day of standing outside the van and wondering if he would make it. Yes, there was a lack of resources available to him. He did not receive treatment that any medical person in America would say was adequate. But, today is he doing well. 

Joseph taught me something. In America, we run to modern medicine for healing. In Uganda, they run to Jesus in prayer. And I have seen that He is capable of healing. I don't want this to be taken the wrong way. There is nothing wrong with modern medicine and I am so thankful for the availability of healthcare in this country, but I was convicted by my lack of faith. I pray for the sick, but do I pray in belief that Jesus alone can heal?  Do I pray with belief that He is enough? He is more powerful to heal than any blood test, iv antibiotic, xray etc. Do I live like I believe that?  Sometimes as a medical person, I lose sight of that. 

Baby Joseph reminded me to take everything to Him in prayer. I want to run to Jesus before I run to things of this world. I want to live in full belief that He is mighty to save and mighty to heal. 

Thank you Jesus for healing Baby Jospeh.

-Because Joseph is in foster care, I can not post pictures of his face. But this picture of his belly shows the difference in him in a few weeks time.

I thought when I woke up on Wednesday October 17th that it was just another day. I had no idea that it would be a day where I got to experience something that most people will never see in their lifetime. It is a day that I will never forget.

Sometime this past year, a family took their ten year old boy to Uganda. The family was serving with Ekubo ministires. Christy and George Magera, the leaders of Ekubo ministries, took this team to the village of Mazzi one day. While there, the ten year old named Jack walked with the children his age to fetch water. He walked almost 2 miles one way to fetch dirty, contaminated water from a stream. Jack returned to the United States and begin to raise money for building a well for this community. To build a borehole well, he would need around 8 thousand dollars. At ten years old, he begin to raise money and awareness for the need for clean water in Africa. The money came in, the well was built, and on October 17th  we celebrated with the village of Mazzi as they saw clean water for the first time in their village.

The entire community was there, from the oldest man to the youngest baby. They wore their best clothes. The children performed songs and danced for us. George spoke to the people about the goodness of Jesus and to the children about he used a ten year old boy to accomplish great things for the kingdom of God. Then we all walked down to the well, thanked Jesus, and pumped the first clean water in the history of Mazzi.

There was clapping, crying, screaming, and jumping when water flowed out for the first time. The children ran up and put their hands in clean water and laughed and smiled. Then, they rubbed water on their faces and begin splashing one another.  I looked to a teammate and, almost in disbelief of what was going on, said to her, " Think about what we are seeing right now. We are in the middle of nowhere Africa watching hundreds of people get clean water for the first time. This is a once in a lifetime kind of experience."And I imagine that on this side of Heaven, it will be one of the greatest celebrations we will experience in our lifetimes.

There was an old man standing behind me. He was dressed in his nicest clothes and some kind of nice hat. He tapped me on the shoulder and said, "I have to see! Let me see." We cleared a path for him and he walked up to the water. He put his hand under it, collected a little water, and tasted it. He walked back and said, "It is good."


We proclaim that He is the Living Water. Just as that clean water brings life to a community, He brings life to my soul. I want to celebrate the life I have in Him like that because He is a God who is worthy of that. He is the God who has said, "If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, "Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water." (John 7: 37-38).

We leave our friends in the village of Mazzi. They were strangers only a few hours before, but now they feel like family to us. We cry as we hug them goodbye. We know that we will forever be connected to this little village. I open up my bible and here is what I read, "For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their Shepherd, and He will guide them to the springs of LIVING WATER and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes." (Rev 7:17). I know very little about the book of Revelation and the symbolism etc, but that didnt matter. This was the verse God gave me to assure me that He was alive, present, and at work here.

In attempt to stay awake, I decided to sit down and start writing. I have been back from Uganda since Saturday. The first question many have asked is, "Are you glad to be home?" To answer that question honestly, I must say "no". Its hard to come back home and be thrown into the American way of life. So this blog serves as my way of telling the stories and processing all that I've seen.

There are kids that we left in the hospital that I think about and pray that they are doing better. There are ministries in need of financial support to feed and clothe children and I brainstorm on ways that us Americans could help. There are children taking end of the year exams to move on to seconday school and I wonder how they went. I think about Marvin and Hellen and wonder if they miss me as much as I miss them. I want to be there and to be a part of all thats going on.

Tomorrow is Halloween. Kids dress up in some costume and ask for candy.  I spent many years of my life dressing up for Halloween and going trick or treaing, but it seems like such a weird concept to me now. I have spent the past two weeks with children who have one dirty outfit and are lucky to get 2 meals a day of posho and beans. I kinda wish America as a whole could take the money we spend on costumes and candy, and provide food and clothing to those in this world that live without these basic things. I want so badly for people in America to experience life in Africa because it changes you. You come home and thank God for running water that comes straight out of your faucet, for good plumbing, for medical care and for food. Uganda teaches me how to live in gratitude. It makes me depend on Jesus. And it allows me to see His heart for the poor and in seeing that, I fall more in love with the One who does not leave us as orphans.

Im helping move a baby down the hall when a coworker asks me, "Do you consider yourself a brave person?".  I stop and give her a confused look because I have no idea what prompted this question. "Well," she says, "I think you are a very brave and courageous person." More blank stares. She continues, "I heard you talking about going to Africa. You have to be a brave person to go there. I mean- to expose yourself to all those diseases and well, I admire you. I just couldn't do it."

I had no idea what to say and I don't think I said much of anything. That was a week ago and I'm still thinking about how to respond. We have this idea that you have to be a certain personality type, the "brave" and "courageous", to do missions, especially overseas missions. This makes me sad.  You don't have to be brave, you just have to be obedient to Christ in whatever capacity He is calling you to serve. He will give you the strength you need. I am living proof of that.

I am not a brave person. Anyone who knows me knows that I have plenty of quirks and fears. I am scared of enclosed spaces. I am terrified of driving in the rain or snow. I can not watch scary movies. I am an anxious person. And, the list could go on.

Here is what I am: a follower of Jesus.  I am not even close to perfect, in fact I am a broken person who NEEDS Jesus. So, I ask Jesus to show me more of Himself and of His heart in an effort to call me out of a self centered life and open my eyes to His goodness. He led me to Uganda. It's not because Im some brave and courageous person, its because it was in Uganda that I could experience Him in a way that I never had before.

I leave tomorrow to go back to the country I fell completely in love with. So Im asking Jesus again to show me and my team members more of Himself. When we know the love we are given in Christ, we are freed up to GO BE LOVE to others. Please join me in praying for us for the next 15 days! I cant wait to blog about it when I get back.

Since I got home from Uganda on April 5th, there has not been one day that I have not thought about that country and wondered about the people I love there. I thought as time went by, my thoughts and feelings of Uganda would fade. The exact opposite has happened and for months I have wondered why my passion for this country continues to grow. It's been frustrating at times to try to discern what this all means. I love babies. I love Uganda. I love what I do here in the US. I love the thought of life in Uganda. I don't want to leave my job here. My heart wants to go back to Uganda. I feel like God is telling me to stay here and go to Uganda. That's impossible.

The same questions that I was asking and writing in my journal the week I got back have been burning within me for months. What now? I want to share with you what I wrote in my journal on Easter,

It's Easter Sunday. Im sitting in church. All I can think about if those kids in Uganda. The pastor is talking about certainty. I am certain that I know Jesus. I am certain that He commands us to "go make disciples." I am uncertain what that leads to now. Am I supposed to go back to Uganda? Why can't I stop thinking about those kids? Why can't I sleep? Why does my house, my community, and even my church feel so unlike home? Why do I feel out of place in places that two weeks ago I felt secure and comfortable? Is this the reverse culture shock people talk about? I've never experienced this before and I've left the country many times. Will it all go away with time once I go back to work and settle back into life?

Now the pastor is talking about Luke 24. These people see Jesus and they don't just head out to lunch and forget his sermon. They see Jesus and their lives are FOREVER changed. They bank their lives on the single truth that Jesus is alive. Their lives are transformed.

I've seen Jesus in Uganda in a way that I've never seen Him before. I relate to these men. I can't forget how I've experienced Him. My life has been transformed, but what does remembering look like now? Jesus, Im sure these men asked the same question, "Now what?

There are so many more entries where I talk about feeling stuck between 2 worlds and trying to understand what it all means. I knew God had a purpose in it all, but walking forward in that trust was hard.

A few weeks ago, I received an email from my friend at Visiting Orphans. She said that there are many baby homes throughout Uganda that are in need and Visting Orphans has decided to create a "Baby Team". She said she felt like I was the person that needed to lead a team b/c I had a passion for babies and Uganda and it would be a great fit!! So Ill be going to Uganda in October, in February, and in May!! May will be the first "Baby Team." So as I have been struggling and praying and searching for how all this fits together, God has been orchestrating all these details for a baby team! That's the kind of God we serve, one that fits all the pieces together! We just have to wait on His perfect timing.

God speaks through children at times to show adults more of Himself. I think about Marvin all the time and I miss him so much. Yesterday he was on my heart and mind all day. Fear crept in and I kept thinking to myself, "What if something ever happened to him? Would people there let me know? Do they even know how much this little boy means to me? What if he is more than just a hard sleeper and something really is wrong?" These thoughts led me to prayer. I prayed for his health and for his life. I thanked God for placing him in my life.

Later on in the day, I am convicted by how much I worry about things that are completely out of my control. I know God takes care of him, so there is no benefit to me worrying about his physical and emotional health. I asked God for the ability to TRUST him with all things in my life, rather than live in fear.

Tonight I am in a store shopping for things for Uganda. A little black boy comes running down the aisle with a big smile on his face and hugs me. I am caught off guard because I wasn't expecting a big hug from a little black child that I have never seen before, but I hug him back and ask how he is doing. He replies with a big smile, "I am just fine". I ask him what his name is and he says "Marvin" and runs off.

My eyes fill with tears. I asked God for ability to trust, and he sends a little black child named Marvin running down an aisle to give me a hug. That was a gift from Him alone! It was His way of telling me that he hears me,  He is in control, and He is a God who cares about us more than we can understand. He is a God that we can trust. I get in the car and this song is playing and I believe these words even more.


"One thing remains"
Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me

On and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
One thing remains

In death and in life I'm confident and covered by the power of your great love

It is so neat to have a prayer partner that lives halfway across the world. Ever since I got back from Uganda, Damalie sends me prayer requests for her family.

Since I last updated this blog, Damalie has taken in 3 more babies and many of the babies have been sick with malaria. William was hospitalized for a little while with Malaria and is now at home but still sick. All three babies were malnourished and Grace is still having trouble gaining weight.  I asked Damalie if I could share some of these emails so that more people could pray for her family. So here are some recent emails from her. Please join me in prayer for these babies, especially William who has been sick for over a month!


Dear Courtney,
Thank you for prayers. Baby William is better. He is now drinking a
little bit more.
I have 3 new babies,baby Micheal, baby William and little Grace. I now
have 15 babies. It's more than I can handle but what would Jesus do
rings in my ears always. I take them in, do my part and leave the rest
to God. He has the best plan for us. Anxiously waiting for October to see you.
Damalie

 Hello Courtney,
 How are you dear friend? We are fine except baby William. Please
 continue praying for him.
 Also there was a heavy downpour (rain) 4 days ago. Everywhere in our
little house was leaking except in the corner in our play area, if you
 remember where we lay the mattress. I was afraid and you can imagine
 all of us in one place and with loud noise from the hailstorm on the
room. I have never had such an experience before. All the babies were
 crying helplessly and for the first time I didnt know what to do. I
 mean we had to move all the beds and other things, carry babies, take
 care of clothes etc. It was chaos. Thank God the situation calmed
down.




And this morning, I woke up to this email:


Baby William has persistent malaria. I had him checked out today. All
the others had vaccinations we need prayers so that they dont cry alot
esp at night. You can imagine a house with 15 babies all crying.
Baby Micheal weighed 4.5kg at 5 weeks. Little Grace weighed 6.5kg at
at 16 months, you can imagine the differences between them. Baby
William weighed 5.7kg at 16 weeks. Please pray with us.Grace still has
a long way to go but we are loving her into good health.
Blessings
Damalie